Category: Relationships

The Care and Feeding of Principals 101

I am a member of a couple of Facebook groups designed to provide advice to teachers on various subjects.  One of those groups has more members than live in the county seat where I live.

Something I read over and over again is “my principal is out to get me”. 

Full disclosure:  I was a principal for twelve years.  There were things I liked about it and things I loathed about it.  There were things I was very good at, and things where I needed improvement.  I think that is probably true for just about any job.

Because I was first a teacher and then a principal, I like to think that I have some insight into being an educator.  I am also a parent of a challenging student.  I like to think I’ve been on both sides of the desk.  In some ways I’ve been on all four sides of the desk.

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Contrary to popular opinion, principals do not have their hearts removed when they obtain that degree and license.  They do not have half of their brains removed either.  Really.  This is absolute truth!!

Yes, it is possible for a principal to dislike a teacher or other staff member.  However, I believe the number of really mean-spirited principals is a low percentage. 

The reality is that principals, like teachers (paras, secretaries, nurses, custodians, and lunch room personnel), are as human as you are. 

Teachers seem to have several complaints about principals.  In this blog, I’m going to try to summarize what I’ve seen on some of the teacher Facebook groups.

Believe it or not,

  • Principals are not spying when they walk through the classroom or stop in the doorway to see what’s going on.
    Making unannounced visits are part of their job.  Some call this behavior “management by walking around”.  They are seeing and being seen.  Some have been trained to do “walk though evaluations” in addition to formal evaluations. 
    • Suggested response:  If you see the principal in the doorway or in the room, smile, wave, invite them in without stopping the lesson.  If you are not engaging in direct instruction, quietly tell the principal what’s going on in the room and why.  Don’t act like you have something to hide.  Be proud of your professionalism.
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  • Principals are not trying to hurt your feelings when they point out something on which you could improve.
    No one is perfect.  We can all improve on something.  We would rarely, if ever, feel belittled or picked on if our (sports) coaches told us to work on a particular skill.  A principal is supposed to be an instructional leader.  S/he must be able to point out things to improve.
    • Suggested response:  Nod.  Ask the principal for more information or a resource s/he recommends.  If you think the principal is off-base, try to calmly explain that.  If you feel too emotional, say something like, “Would it be okay if I come back to see you about this tomorrow?  I’d like to think about it a bit.”  Odds are the principal will agree.
  • Principals are not out to “get” teachers (usually).
    Yes, there are some bad eggs who become principals.  But the vast majority became an administrator because they believed they could make a difference in the lives of students and faculty.  They rarely set out to make a teacher’s life miserable.  If you think you are under more scrutiny than your peers, think about why.  Is there something you could do better or differently?  For example, are you spending faculty meetings grading papers or reading the newspaper; are you trash-talking the school personnel, parents, students, or others; do you turn in paperwork on time?  If so, what image are you projecting? 
    • Suggested response:  My mother taught me to “kill ‘em with kindness”.  That is, be polite.  You don’t have to take colleagues home with you or make them your best friends in order to work with them.  You don’t even have to like them.  No one knows what is going on inside your head.  Treat the principal the way you would like to be treated.  Poke your head into the office to say, “Good morning” to the office staff.  Smile.  You don’t have to be a “yes person”, but do consider the image you project to your co-workers.  (That includes the principal.)
  • Principals are not trying to make impossible rules.
    Principals must carry out the directions and policies of the superintendent, the school board, the curriculum director, the Title 1 coordinator, the special services director, etc.  A principal is considered “middle management” which means s/he is smack dab in the middle with demands from the previously mentioned people, but also from the union, faculty, paras, nurse, administrative staff, parents, and the community.  I’m not saying you should feel sorry for them; they knew what they were getting into.  But do know that being in the middle means that sometimes they make the wrong decision.  Like all humans, they don’t always see all sides of the issue.  I imagine you’ve goofed a time or two with students.  When that happened, what did you do?
    • Suggested response:  Rather than imagining the worst, try to imagine where this new policy is coming from.  If you believe you must speak against the rule or policy, do so calmly.  Offer a solution.  This last is very important.  It is easy to make an often justified fuss about something.  It is so much better to offer an alternative solution.
  • Principals are not instantly taking the side of students.
    Principals start out as teachers.  They know students try to put a particular spin on situations.  However, they also deal with students who are sent to the office for particularly petty reasons.  For example, I worked with teachers who would send students to the office for not having a pencil (I gave them one), or for looking out the window instead of doing their work (I told him/her to come work on it during their lunch).  In both cases, students were sent back to the classroom quickly. 
    • Suggested response:  Try to phone the principal (or A.P. or Dean of Students) and explain why the student has been sent to the office.  Use observable and measurable terms.  At the same time, consider the message you are sending to the student when you send him/her out of the room.  Are you doing what the student wants?  (I had a student who used to give himself a nosebleed on purpose at the beginning of math so he could be sent out of the room and miss math.  In other words, what is the student “buying” when s/he engages in this behavior?  Is his/her aim to get sent out of the room?)
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  • Principals are not instantly taking the side of parents.
    Principals hate surprises that do not involve cake and party hats.  They do not want to hear about an incident for the first time from a parent.  If a parent does call, the principal is obligated to follow up on the accusation.  They may believe the parent is out of line, but they must follow up.  In my experience, the most common accusation was that the teacher was allegedly “picking on” a student.  Often the teacher was doing no such thing, but sometimes they were.
    • Suggested response:  Let the principal know when something happens that you think might cause a parent to call the principal.  Even if you do this, sometimes students tell parents things in a certain way just to play the teacher and parent against each other.  (Shocked?)  Sometimes, a student takes something the wrong way.  If the principal talks to you about a phone call, hear him/her out.  Tell him/her what happened in observable and measurable terms.  And if you goofed, admit it and ask how to fix it.
  • Principals are not being unsupportive if s/he says you need to use sending a student to the office as a last resort.
    Sometimes teachers, especially inexperienced ones, expect the principal to step in and bring a class to order.  If the principal doesn’t do that, the teacher labels him/her as “not supporting teachers”.  The fact is, teachers are expected to manage the classroom.  That is something entirely different from disciplining the class.  Good management sharply reduces any need for discipline.  If a class is out of control, and if the principal steps in to fix the situation, the students see the teacher as weak.  If the teacher is seen as weak, there are students who will attempt to capitalize on that.  It becomes a vicious cycle.  The principal who refrains from disciplining your class is, on one hand, doing you a favor.  On the other hand, teachers are expected to know how to manage a class.  (Remember, the number one reason why teachers are non-renewed is because of classroom management issues.)
    • Suggested response:  If you do not understand the difference between management and disciple, read up on it.  The most widely recommended book for this is Drs. Harry and Rosemary Wong’s The First Days of School.  Find and talk to a mentor teacher, or even the principal.  Don’t be afraid the overhaul your management plan midway through the year if it is not working.  However, don’t change things up every few days – if your plan has been weak, it will take the students a little while to test out your new plan and practice it.

Principals can be a very different kind of animal.  Still, they are educators first.  Remember “principal” stands for “principal teacher” or “lead teacher”.  Yes, there are some that are better than others.  However, just about all respond well to teachers who treat them with respect and courtesy, professionalism and kindness. 

Keeping Up with the Students

There was a very interesting discussion on the We Are Teachers Helpliine facebook group.  A teacher wrote that her middle school students had begun saying she had “disrespected” them when she corrected them in some fashion.

Other writers said they thought the term “disrespected” didn’t mean being treated with something less than respect, but that, to the students, it meant being made to do something they didn’t really want to do, like complete class work.

The conversation was fascinating to me for a couple of reasons.  First is that I intensely curious about how language changes.  Second, I am constantly observing issues and situations that can have an effect on classroom management.

Language changes.  Fifteen years ago, I would receive phone calls from outraged parents who told me their child had come home saying, “The teacher yelled at me!”  To me, and to the parents, “yelled” meant shouting or raising one’s voice in anger.  However, to the students it meant the teacher had corrected them.  This correction could have been in a whisper but, to them, it was still considered “yelling”.

So perhaps the term “disrespected” also has changed.

I looked this up in the online Urban Dictionary.  The only reference was a post from 2007 that said “disrespected” was a means of bragging about a sexual encounter.  For example, “I totally disrespected my girlfriend last night.” 

That was eye-opening to me.  I had not heard that one before. (When did I get that far out of the loop?)

That made me start thinking about the gap between students and teachers.  It doesn’t matter how close in age the teacher is to the students, students view the teacher as an older person who cannot completely understand them.  That’s a tough realization for any teacher of any age!

I think most teachers want to understand students and build professional relationships with them.  Students expect teachers to “like” them and to “be nice”.  However, they do not expect or respect teachers who try to be just like the students.  They expect teachers to be grownups.  This is true even for high school students who struggle to be considered adults, even though they are not. 

Teachers do benefit from knowing a bit about the world in which their students live. 

But it is the exact same world, isn’t it?

No, not exactly.  The world of children (aged 5 through 17) is different than the world adults are in. 

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received about being a teacher was to spend time every once in a while researching the world your students live in.  That might mean watching some of the television shows that are popular with the age group you teach.  It might mean reading a book that is very popular with the age group.  It may mean figuring out the latest popular app.  Whatever the process, we have to keep current on what it is that is shaping and influencing students.

Some years ago, I read an article about words middle and high school students were using as a sort of code for sexual acts.  The article said that young people were using the names of board games to mean particular things. 

On the one hand I was impressed that someone would come up with such an ingenious code.  On the other hand, I started to listen to what the teens I knew were saying much more closely!

So what can we do to bridge the gap?  Try these ideas:

  • Ask questions.
    If you don’t understand what a student means by a word or phrase, ask him to explain it to you.  Do this gently.  For example, you could say, “Help me understand . . .” rather than saying something like, “Just what do you mean by that?”
  • Do research.
    Read articles.  Make use of resources like Urban Dictionary.  Watch television shows aimed at an audience of that age group.
  • Teach students what particular words or phrases mean to adults.
    For example, if students are using the term “disrespected” to mean “she made me do something I didn’t want to do”, help them understand what “respect” sounds like, feels like, looks like.
  • Pay attention.
    Language changes all of the time.  It was not that long ago that saying, “That sucks!” would have been unthinkable in polite company.  Adults who work with children and youth must pay attention to what young people are saying.  If they are using words in a way that doesn’t make sense, ask questions.  But you cannot ask questions if you are not paying attention.
  • Enjoy!
    Try to look at how students use language as something interesting and fascinating.  Effective teachers like kids, even the naughty ones, and even when they don’t always understand exactly what they are saying and doing.

Have you noticed a different way your students are using words or language?  If so, please share!

Should teachers be afraid of parents?

It is easy to say “no” to that question, but the reality is that some teachers are afraid and some teachers should be afraid.

How can both be true?

Why some teachers are afraid of parents:

  • Many teachers do not like confrontation. 
    Sadly, some parents are habitually hostile towards teachers.  These are the parents who assume that whatever has happened, it is the teacher’s fault.  They call and are rude or holler.  They show up in the classroom, looming over the teacher in an attempt to intimidate.  Those parents can be scary!
  • Some teachers fear parents because they are pretty sure they have done something that wasn’t quite right. Maybe they did scold the wrong child.  Maybe they did make a mistake when correcting a paper.  Maybe they weren’t as polite as they could have been.  Maybe they were a bit too harsh. 
  • Maybe they really did do something wrong!
    We’ll circle back to this in a bit.

Why some parents are afraid of teachers. 

  • They had bad experiences with teachers when they were children.
    Maybe teachers did not help them, compared them to siblings or blamed them for things that were not their fault.  Maybe they were told they’d never amount to anything.  An adult who was alienated from education as a child will be unlikely to see educators as trustworthy.
  • They think teachers will blame them if their child is not well-behaved, learning at an acceptable pace, etc.
    Sadly, teachers DO blame parents!  Teachers seem to classify many parents into several categories: 
    • parents who don’t care and who, therefore, don’t discipline their children, or who ignore their child’s education, or needs.  They don’t show up for conferences, do not answer emails or return phone calls.  These are also, according to some teachers, the ones who dress their children in dirty clothes, clothes too large or two small, or not appropriate for the weather.  They seem too busy to get school supplies, or who take children shopping on a school night instead of doing homework.
    • Helicopter parents who hover over children.  They are the ones who never let children make decisions.  They call and holler about a first grader earning a poor grade because it will allegedly keep the him/her out of a good college.  They do their child’s homework, or make excuses for their child.
    • Indulgent parents who seem to only want to be their child’s friend.  These are the parents who don’t potty train children before kindergarten, who let children stay up late or sleep in, the ones who do not discipline children, or the ones who buy the child everything under the sun.

There is another group of parents that is rarely mentioned:  parents who are legitimately concerned about how their child is treated in school.

A parent I know has a child who has a genius IQ and a learning disability.  She does not have an IEP because she has been able to earn “acceptable” grades despite the learning disability.  That is, she’s been able to earn a D rather than an A. 

What this child does have is a 504 plan. 

Let’s take a little aside here and explain the difference between an IEP and a 504 plan.  Both are legal plans that define accommodations for legally recognized learning differences.  The Individualized Education Plan (IEP) defines the kinds of specialized instruction and related services the child is supposed to receive.  A 504 plan does not require specialized instruction.  It defines the accommodations that will ensure the student’s  academic success and access to the learning environment.

So the main difference is that one required specialized instruction from a person trained to deliver that kind of instruction or services.  A 504 plan requires accommodations to instruction that can be delivered by a “regular” teacher.

The child has a recognized learning difference, but only needs accommodations, not specialized instruction, to ensure her academic success and full access to the learning environment.

The problem is that almost to a person, none of this child’s teachers have honored the 504 plan!  And she is now in high school!

The parent is not a helicopter parent.  She is not an indulgent parent.  She is certainly not alienated from education; she has a master’s degree and beyond.  We certainly cannot say this parent doesn’t care, ether.  Yet she has been accused of all of the above by teachers.

All she wants is for teachers to do what the 504 plan says they are supposed to do.

The teachers have given a number of reasons why they haven’t done this. 

  • They didn’t know she had a problem.
  • They don’t know how to do the accommodations.
  • They don’t see why she needs accommodations.
  • They say they think the mother is just trying to have the daughter’s grades inflated.
  • They say they don’t have time to make those accommodations.

Quite frankly, these teachers have simply frustrated both the parent and the student.  And the parent is angry.

So back to the original question:  should teachers be afraid of parents?

  • They SHOULD NOT be afraid if they
    • are reaching out to all parents to let them know what they’ve noticed that is good about their child.
    • genuinely like students.
    • welcome parents as allies in the child’s education.
    • have a good relationship with parents and make a mistake like those described previously.
    • Keep parents informed of concerns before concerns grow too large or have gone on too long.
  • They SHOULD be afraid if they
    • Don’t actually like all students
    • Don’t respect parents.
    • Aren’t doing what each student needs to be successful.
    • Aren’t following the law.

Teachers go into teaching to make a difference.  None that I know would ever say they are teachers to damage children or to make their lives miserable.

Sadly some teachers become jaded.  Some are frustrated with working conditions, administration, or students whose needs challenge their know-how.  Some develop beliefs that they know better than anyone else what a student needs.  Some may be right, but none should deny a student accommodations designed to help that child be successful.

If a teacher has a student with a 504 plan, find out what accommodations are.  Ask colleagues for help on how to do this if you don’t know how.  And above all, work with the child’s parents. 

Can THAT student really learn?  Maybe . . .

I recently had dinner with a friend who teaches special education at the high school level.  She was telling me about the difficulties she is having with some of the students.  (Confidentiality was not broken.)  At some point she responded to something I said by saying “No!  They CAN’T learn!”

It got me to thinking.

I have worked my whole life with students who were classified as “can’t learn”.  I was the parent to a child who was labeled in the same way.  I know from experience that people can and do learn when given the chance.  They can even blossom in ways that exceed our wildest dreams.  I also know  there are certain conditions that make their ability to learn increase or decrease.  I know THAT student can be made better or worse by the things we do.

We cannot, however, do it all!

Educators can control the environment in which THAT student is schooled.  We can control, to some extent, THAT student’s interactions with others.  We can ensure that our interactions with THAT student are equitable.  We can set aside our negative thinking and look for the positive in THAT student.  We can examine our beliefs and our attitude about THAT student.

Yes, we can make great advances with parents.  We can show them we know they love their child.  We can show them we care about their child.  We can go into conferences with a positive attitude and stick to what is observable and measurable.  We can make “good news” phone calls and work together with them for the benefit of the child.

But there are somethings we cannot control.

Students spend more than 2/3 of their lives outside of school.  They spend it sleeping, with parents, with other young people, and in front of screens.  We educators have absolutely no control over what those experiences are like.

Take sleep for example.  Adolescents need between 9 and 9.5 hours of sleep, but most get only 7 and many get much less.  Experts recommend that children aged 6 to 13 get nine to eleven hours of sleep and kindergarteners get 10-13 hours per night.  Few young people get this much sleep.  We know that a lack of sleep negatively affects a person’s ability to learn and to behave “appropriately” in school.

Educators can provide parents with information, but we cannot control how much sleep students get.

Continue reading Can THAT student really learn?  Maybe . . .

Winning Parents Over

In another post I talked about forming a positive relationship with parents and a sure-fire way to do that – letting parents know you like their child by telling them good things the child has done at school.  It can take some effort to both make the contact with the parent and to find that good thing to tell them about, but the rewards are huge.  Parents see you as someone who likes their child and who is not “out to get” him/her.  And we benefit because it forces us to look for the good in each and every student.

There are other ways to get parents on your side, too.

Help students know what they learned
Students rarely understand what they’ve learned, so when a parent or other adult asks, “What did you do in school today?” they do not know how to respond.  In fact, many kids interpret that question to be asking what happened that was different from any other day.

To top it all off, kids don’t always know how to put their learning experiences into words.

I realized this when I was teaching all day and later I would ask my son what he did in school.  I had the advantage of knowing more about what goes on during a school day so I was able to ask more probing questions, but many, if not most, parents do not know this.

I began by asking the students if their parents ever asked them what they did in school.  Most raised their hands.  Then I asked what they told their parents when they were asked this.  Sure enough, most said, “Nothing.”

I started by teaching the students a procedure.  “I’m going to help you look absolutely brilliant in front of your parents.  At the end of each day (or class period) we’re going to go over what you can tell your folks when they ask that question.”

What we did was reviewed aloud the learning targets for that day (or class).  Most teachers write these on the board so it is not difficult to go over them with the students.  It is important to have the students read the learning targets out loud, first in unison.  Then quickly say, “What did you do in school today . . . Jackson?”  And teach the students to respond, “I learned . . . “  Insert the learning target there.

In addition, if your school uses student agendas, those required assignment books, have the students write the learning target in the agenda.  Teach the students that they can refer to their agenda to answer the adult’s question.

A picture is worth a thousand words
Parents and grandparents love to show off pictures of their children.  Sadly they rarely are able to see what their child is doing at school.

Use technology to show parents you are on their child’s side.  Take photos of their child doing school work, laughing at a joke, cleaning up, or helping.  Send that photo to the parent using your preferred method.  These are not photos that should be put into a class newsletter.  That could be considered a violation of confidentiality.  Instead these are photos you take just of THAT student and are sent to just his/her parent(s).  You can even use photos like this as that monthly positive contact that I’ve discussed in previous posts.

It is difficult for parents to say that Lois hates school when they have a photo of her laughing while working in a small group.

Don’t forget that many families either choose not to use technology or cannot use it.  Reliable internet is difficult in rural areas, and costs money in all areas.  People who do not use technology as part of their job may be less likely to use it at home.  So we have to use the technology the parent is able to use.  If you know Lois’ parents do not have access or rarely check email, then print the photo out and drop it in the mail.

If you do use the mail, don’t use an envelope with a school logo or printed return address on it.  Too often, those envelopes disappear, either because the child gets the mail before the parent does, or because the parents are too alienated or frustrated by the school to open it.  In their experience, mail from school is usually bad news.  Instead make the letter look more personal.  I’ve even used the more square envelopes you’d expect to find a greeting card.  Jot a quick note (Hi, I thought I’d share this photo of Lois with you.  Ms. Roe) on a sticky note on the photo and pop it in the mail.

Be careful to not take sides
The majority of marriages end in divorce, and divorce can get really messy.  It is easy to fall into the trap of taking sides.  As a professional, you are required to work with both parents unless there is a court order to the contrary.  This may mean making two phone calls about one child.  This may mean sending two copies of the class newsletter instead of one.
Sadly, many parents who are going through a divorce try to get the teacher to side with this one against that one.  Don’t do it.  This doesn’t mean you cannot listen sympathetically to a parent vent about the other.  It does mean that you make sure both parents know you are on the side of the child, and you are willing to work with both of them to benefit the child.

Recognize parental love and concern
There are parents whose parenting style is light years away from ideal, but the motivation behind their parenting is the same.  Nine times out of ten, they want what is best for their child.  Their understanding of “what’s best” and your ideas may differ, but wanting what is best for the child is a motivating factor both the parent and the teacher has in common.  Use it!

When having that difficult conversation with the parent, start by saying something like, “Ms. Jones, I know you love your daughter.”  Stop there.  Don’t give in to the temptation of adding a “but”.  You do not want to say anything that could be interpreted as “but you’re doing it all wrong.”  Instead, continue with something like, “I want Lois to be successful just like you do.  Let’s work together to help her.”

In my experience, this method gets hostile parents to do a double-take.  They’ve probably only had teachers who phrased things to the effect of “your child is broken; fix her!”   Those dreaded tiger parents or helicopter parents, as well, have difficulty blaming the teacher for this or that when she puts this slant on it.

This approach puts the conversation with the parent on a completely different foot.  Suddenly it is not about the teacher telling the parent that it is the parent’s responsibility to “fix” their child.  Instead it is saying that the teacher wants to work in collaboration.

Be sure to reinforce this by ending a conference with something like, “I am confident that by working together, we can get Lois back on track.”

Think “solutions” not “problems”
It is common for teachers to inform parents of problems with the idea that if a parent knows there is a problem, the parent will find a way to fix it.  However, parents do not always know what to do.  They do not always see the same problem in their interactions with the child.  If the child has a history of problems at school, the parent may have begun to think of the school being out to “get” their child.

Labeling a behavior doesn’t help.  Saying Jackson is lazy might be true, but it doesn’t offer any way to change the behavior.  Telling parents what has happened in a neutral,, business-like way can put us on the way to finding a solution, while just naming the problem just names the problem.

A way to tackle this is to plan out what you are going to tell the parent when you are going to have a face-to-face meeting or if you are making a phone call to them.  Try this:

  1. Tell the parent what the child has done in observable and measurable terms.  Saying, “Jackson did not turn in his homework on Monday and Tuesday” is neutral.  There isn’t room for arguing about it.  However, saying, “Jackson doesn’t want to turn in his homework” leaves a lot of room for argument.  And when you get right down to it, do you really know what Jackson does or doesn’t want?
  2. Tell the parent what you’ve done to try to solve the problem. Again, do this using observable and measurable terms and do it in a neutral voice:  “I talked to Jackson privately just before recess on Monday.  He said he’d been too busy to do his homework.  When he didn’t turn in work on Tuesday, I talked to him again.  He told me that he did do his work, but his mother threw it away by mistake.”
    Doing this is less likely to make a parent defensive than saying something to the effect that Jackson was sassy or lying.
  3. Ask the parent for their input. Yes, we are professionals and have a great many ideas on what to do to solve problems, but parents have expertise, too.  The parent may answer your question by saying they don’t know or they may tell you things that make you see the underlying causes of the problem behavior.
    Be sure to phrase this question in a way that there is no hint of parent-blaming.  Saying, “What is going on at home that Jackson is doing this” will make most parents more defensive and hostile.  Saying, “Can you help me understand what’s going on with Jackson” is much more neutral and more likely to help the parent see the teacher as wanting to collaborate.
  4. Tell the parent what you will or can do at school to try to solve the problem, and what you’d like them to do at home. Plan out ahead of time what you’d like the parent to do at home in case s/he doesn’t have any ideas about what to do. If you can, incorporate any ideas the parent may have had into these solutions.  Tell the parent, this is what you said you will do at home.

Be motivating by offering hope
Unless you are a preschool teacher, odds are the parent(s) of THAT student have heard over and over again about things s/he has done wrong at school.  The parents are likely to be frustrated, defensive, overwhelmed or bewildered about what to do to turn things around for their child.  They need to work with a teacher who projects confidence and the belief that by working together, things can be different for the child.  The parents need to know that the teacher does not think their child is beyond help, or that s/he is so deeply flawed that s/he will always be or have a problem.

In my experience, ending a problem-solving conference with a parent by saying, “I am confident that by working together we can get a handle on this and help Jackson get back on track” works far better than simply telling parents what you want them to do.  Saying that, offers parents a glimmer of hope.

Don’t we all need hope to keep on keeping on?

Remember, our language has the power to shape what others think, and it also shapes our beliefs about things.  We need to see light at the end of the tunnel when working with THAT student as much as THAT student’s parents need to see the teacher as sincerely wanting to help.  Changing the way we talk about things helps.  Notice that I called the conference with parents a “problem-solving conference” rather than a “negative phone call” or just a conference.  Thinking “problem-solving” shapes the way we think about it.  It helps us think about working together with the parent, rather than just naming the problem.

 

Try these ideas on how to build a more positive relationship with parents, and especially the patents of THAT student.

Do let me know how these ideas are working for you!

The OTHER Relationship to Nurture

I usually post on Sundays, but I just read an essay by a parent that triggers this response:

We all know relationships are a very important part of being a teacher.  Who hasn’t heard the saying that kids won’t care about learning unless they know you care about them?  In the last two posts, I’ve encouraged you to try to find something THAT student does that is positive.  Looking for the positives in a student can change our whole perspective!

There is another person (or persons) with whom we need to establish a positive relationship:  the parent.  If you are like many teachers, you read that line and rolled your eyes.  After all, if THAT student had parents who cared, would s/he be such a challenge?

Let me share a little story about me.  I have a son.  When he was a child, he was very challenging, both at home and at school.  From what I head from teachers, A was rude, defiant, lazy, distracted, and he did not turn in homework.  I used to feel sick when it was time for parent-teacher conferences.  I wouldn’t sleep the night before.  I knew I would hear a litany of negative things about the little boy I loved.

To make matters worse, I was an educator, for goodness sake!  I knew what was expected of a child in school.  I knew how to get 30+ kids in a single room to behave and how to instill a sense of self-discipline.  What A’s teachers did not seem to know was that every day I did all of the things that I knew were supposed to work, all of the things I had suggested to parents during a parent-teacher conference myself.  I never found a particularly good way to tell the teachers that A had an assigned homework time, that if he didn’t bring his homework home, he would be assigned homework by me.  He had a bedtime that was enforced.  He was encouraged to read and explore his interests.  He was forced to practice his saxophone daily.  We played chess.  He did chores.  He was disciplined when he make a poor behavior choice.  Screen time was limited.  We did things together.  In short, we did all of the things one would expect a parent of a “good” kid to do.  And if I did manage to tell the teacher these things, it was always clear that s/he didn’t believe me.

As I would listen to teachers tell me things like, “He’s smart but . . .”, I would cringe inside.  As the teacher began to speak in a more and more patronizing tones, I would take a firm grip on my anger with both hands.  I would feel furious and guilty at the same time.  At school functions I felt like teachers were whispering among themselves, “You see her over there?  That’s A’s mom.  Did you know . . .”  After all, I had heard teachers say such things in the school where I taught, so why wouldn’t the same be true at A’s school?  I felt judged and belittled.

(Yes, A is smart.  He earned the second highest ACT score in the state the year he took that exam, but he graduated from high school with a 1.0 grade point average.  He managed to raise his GPA that high the day before graduation by showing the English teacher the novel he was allegedly writing; he’d managed to knock off the first three chapters the night before.)

This repeated for every parent-teacher conference for every year A was in school.  I figure that is about 26 conferences, and that does not count telephone contacts or letters or “mid-term reports” that would usually arrive just about in time for report cards to come out and it does not count the times I was asked to come to the school for a “special” conference.  Is it any wonder that I felt stressed and angry and fearful at the thought of going to conferences or attending school functions?

My son was diagnosed with ADD when he was very young, back when it was called “minimal brain dysfunction.”  I did all of the things the doctors recommended:  medication, changing his diet, using behavior modification strategies.  I would try to talk to teachers each school year about what that kind of diagnosis meant and how I wanted to work with them so that we would be a united team to help A reach his potential.  Each year the teachers would demonstrate that they did not really understand ADD (“He pays attention to the computer well enough!”) and they began to assign the “challenging” label to him, and would talk about his “bad behavior.”

Although I lobbied for my son, and even though I repeatedly requested 504 plans, I was consistently told that he did not qualify.  I heard this even when I was working on my masters and studying education law.  I knew he qualified for many things, but the schools told me he did not and that if I would just do this or that, he would “straighten out.”

I can honestly say that in A’s whole school career I only heard one positive thing about him and that was from the school principal when I was called in to discuss some other infraction.

Why do I tell you all this?  To show that I have a prejudice?  To gain some sympathy?  No.  I tell you this because I have a unique perspective:  I’ve seen students’ behavior from both sides of the desk – from the perspective of a teacher, from the perspective of a parent, and, later, from the perspective of a school principal.

Because of this unique perspective, I learned something:  parents who care deeply about their child’s school success can be alienated from the whole school system.

If you’ve taught for any time at all, you know what it is like to deal with parents who are alienated from the schools.  These are the parents who do not answer emails, who do not return phone calls, and who do not come to school functions.  They are the parents who are hostile when we do catch up to them or who seem to dismiss our suggestions and requests.  They can be the parents we dread to contact because we know they will yell or blame us for whatever the student is doing.  Eventually we start to shake our heads and talk about how so-and-so’s parents let him or her get away with murder and who just don’t care.

Raising A taught me many things.  One thing is that parents do care.  They may not care in the way you would like them to care, but they do care.  They are doing the best they can, and while we educators may not agree with how they deal with school issues, they are trying to raise their child well.

Don’t get me wrong!  It only takes a single trip to WalMart or the grocery store to see parenting styles that any teacher would classify in the fail column!  Nonetheless, parents do care.

So why do so many parents act like they don’t care?  Because of their previous experiences with the school, and their perception of what the “school” thinks of their child.

I tried an experiment when I was still in the classroom.  I was reading on my never ending quest to know more about classroom management and discipline, and I found a suggestion that I contact every student’s parent(s) with something positive about him or her at least once a month.  I was teaching middle school at the time and saw more than 100 students per day.  I wasn’t sure I had enough time to do it, but I gave it a try.  I was overwhelmed by the response.  I heard parents sob on the other end of the phone and tell me they had never once heard anything good about their child from the school.  I had parents tell me that they were surprised that anyone at the school liked their child.  Suddenly I had parents describing me as one of the “good” teachers even though I was strict.  In fact, they would praise my being strict with their child.  The principal called me into her office to tell me that she’d received phone calls about me, positive phone calls.

Why did they react this way?  I think the parents defined it best:  they believed those positive phone calls meant that I liked their child.  Later, if I had occasion to make a call about something negative the student did, they were much more willing to listen and to discuss what we, together, could do about it.

I tried the same tactic when I became a principal.  I could not contact every student’s family every month, but I picked out the kids who had a reputation for being chronic troublemakers.  I watched those kids and made calls about the positive things they did.  The response again was positive.

(You can read a short essay I wrote about this in ASCD Express:  http://www.ascd.org/ascd-express/vol9/905-roe.aspx )

So besides your relationship with the students, there is another relationship for you to nurture:  your relationship with parents.  Yes, there are parents with whom it is very easy to establish that positive relationship.  It is more challenging to contact the “helicopter” parents and still more challenging to work on the relationship with those parents who have a reputation for not caring or for hating the school system  It can be done, and the rewards are enormous.  Every positive contact a teacher makes is like putting money into the bank.  When that day arrives when the teacher has to make that contact about the student’s negative behavior, that “bank account” pays huge dividends!

Don’t forget that not every household has internet access.  It costs money that many families do not have, and it is hard to come by in rural areas.  Email is convenient, but it is not the only way to contact parents.  I learned to love voice mail.  I could make a call, leave a quick message – “Hi, this is Ms. Roe from school.  I just wanted to let you know that . . .”  I came to believe that there was something more personal about using the phone anyway.

Give it a try!  Hopefully, you are already looking for positive things about each of the students, especially THAT student, as suggested in previous posts.  You know some of the reasons we form negative opinions about students and are, hopefully, working on ways to overcome the self-fulfilling prophesy.  Take the next step and start to let parents know about the positive things you’ve noticed about their child.  It is well worth the effort!