neutral – Roe's Rules

The problem with “I Statements”

Picture this:

It is time for math. The students have been given a couple of problems to solve on their own. While the rest of the class is busy with those problems, Anne has stopped working. She is sitting with her arms crossed and has a scowl on her face. She is staring daggers at Ms. Jones. Ms. Jones really wants Anne to get to work. When the teacher says something to Anne, the student begins to mock her by mimicking what Ms. Jones has said.

What should Ms. Jones say or do now?

Many teachers would say, “Anne, knock it off! You are supposed to be working on your math Why aren’t you doing that?”

According to those who advocate for using “I Statements”, the teacher has just put Anne on the defensive by being accusing. If Anne feels defensive, she is more likely to act out furthe.r Instead, they believe Ms Jones should use an “I Statement.”

“I statements” are a way of communicating with others in terms of what the speaker is feeling They are in opposition to making “You Statements”, statements like “Anne, you are supposed to be working with the group.” “I Statements” are supposed to be less accusatory, and are supposed to help the speaker to get the listener to stop doing something because s/he now knows how that behavior affects the speaker.

When using an “I Statement,” the teacher should say something like, “Anne, I feel hurt and frustrated when you mimic what I say instead of working.” If we take the statement apart we see that speaker has phrased his/her statement by telling the listener what the listener’s behavior has made the speaker feel, and has turned it around from accusing the listener to communicating what the speaker feels as a result of the listener’s behavior

The idea of using such statements evolved from the work of psychologist Carl Rogers (1902-1987). He is credited with developing a sort of non-directive therapy. One of his clients, Thomas Gordon (1918-2002), was influenced by this kind of therapy to develop a series of training programs: Parent Effectiveness Training (PET), Leadership Effectiveness Training (LET), and Teacher Effectiveness Training (TET).

TET was introduced in 1965 as a way of helping teaching develop better teacher-student relationships. In this training, teachers are taught to communicate with students by using “I Statements”. The premise is that teachers communicate to students that they are not valued by using certain phrasings, and they can also communicate that they are valued. During the 30 hour training programs, teachers are taught better understand student behavior and to to use active listening when dealing with a student who is acting out. They are also taught to use “I Statements”

There are several very useful parts to TET training. Active listening is an important skill for teachers when meeting with a student or parent in a one-to-one setting, or when talking to a parent on the phone. However, it is very difficult to use when trying to calm an angry student who is threatening to throw a chair, or when working with an oppositional or defiant student.

Every child will have its good and bad days A truly oppositional child is something different. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, defines mental disorders like oppositional defiance. The criteria listed in the DSM for diagnosing Oppositional-Defiant Disorder are symptoms that must have been happening for at least 6 months. The criteria include emotional and behavioral symptoms that last at least six months. These are:

Angry and irritable mood:

Often and easily loses temper
Is frequently touchy and easily annoyed by others
Is often angry and resentful

Argumentative and defiant behavior:

Often argues with adults or people in authority
Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules
Often deliberately annoys or upsets people
Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Vindictiveness:

Is often spiteful or vindictive
Has shown spiteful or vindictive behavior at least twice in the past six months

In addition, the DSM classifies ODD into three levels of severity These are:

Mild Symptoms occur only in one setting, such as only at home, school, work or with peers.
Moderate Some symptoms occur in at least two settings.
Severe Some symptoms occur in three or more settings.

Levels of severity aside, a teacher with an oppositional student knows that it almost always feels “severe” when THAT student is arguing with him/her, is defiant, or deliberately annoying the teacher.

Let’s think a bit about Anne’s behavior. Ms. Jones has tried to communicate with Anne’s parents, but these conversations have left her feeling that she’s made the situation worse because the parents have over-reacted, or the parents tell Ms Jones that nothing they do will change Anne’s behavior. Anne’s previous teachers and other current teachers have labeled Anne “a challenge” for several years. Her older brother behaved in a similar way. A couple of the teachers said they just gave up on Anne because it seemed like nothing they did helped.

Anne hasn’t been diagnosed with ODD, but she seems to fit the profile – and that profile is daunting.

So the advocates of Teacher Effectiveness Training would suggest that when Anne starts mocking Ms Jones and refusing to do her math, Ms Jones should use an “I Statement” to communicate how the teacher feels when Anne mocks her. The idea is that by knowing how one’s behavior makes the other person feel, the person will mend his/her ways because s/he doesn’t want the other person to feel bad or feel bad about him/her.

Here is my issue with “I Statements”. In the situation described above, is there any indication that Anne cares what the teacher feels? I would suggest that Anne probably does not particularly like Ms. Jones, or at least doesn’t like her at that particular moment In addition, the teacher probably does not have the time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Anne. If that is true, then will Anne particularly care how her behavior affects Ms Jones?

I went through Teacher Effectiveness Training back in the late 70s or early 80s I see many good things in this approach to working with students. However, there are parts of TET that I have come to believe are less effective. I’ve come to those conclusions through using the strategies, observing others using the strategies, and through learning more about behavior, and linguistics

The words and tones we use convey messages beyond the simple meaning of the words. There is the connotation, or underlying messages, in a communication. If we think about the underlying messages that Ms. Jones is sending to Anne when she uses an “I Statement”, we can see some of the flaws in the strategy. As mentioned previously, if Anne doesn’t already like Ms. Jones or care about how her behavior affects Ms Jones, then telling Anne about Ms. Jones feelings of hurt or sadness are unlikely to make Anne want to change. Second, an oppositional student will use the knowledge that s/he is hurting the feelings of the other person as ammunition for further misbehavior directed at the teacher. If Anne knows that mocking and mimicking the teacher hurts Ms. Jones’ feelings, and ruffles her feathers, then Anne is likely to act this way again in the future. Remember, an oppositional person deliberately seeks to annoy or upset others.

“I Statements” simply do not work with THAT student, and, at worst, gives THAT student more leverage when she is engaging in oppositional behavior.

One may argue that if Ms. Jones wants to develop a better relationship with Anne, then her feelings have to come into play, that Ms. Jones is going to have to tell Anne how she feels because two people in a relationship of any kind must care about how the other is feeling. While that is true, when Anne is being openly oppositional during a class, that is not the time to work on deepening the relationship. It is also true that making statements that are likely to make Anne defensive won’t help much either.

Instead, using more neutral strategies would make sense.

Somewhere along the line, people began changing “I Statements” into phrasing directives in terms of what the other person needs, for example, “Anne, you need to do your math.” The problem is Anne doesn’t feel any need to do math, and she doesn’t like math, so saying it is “you math” is likely to have Anne protesting that it is the teacher’s math, not hers.

In this case, being neutral means leaving “you” and “I” out of the mix. Ms Jones does not want Anne to feel more defensive than she already does, so saying something like “you knock it off” wouldn’t work. She doesn’t want to give Anne more ammunition, so saying something like “I feel hurt when you” doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t phrase the directive in terms of anyone’s wants or needs. The best approach is to try to redirect Anne while remaining calm and low key. Something like this would work: Ms Jones moves closer to Anne, but is standing a bit sideways presenting the smallest “barrier” or “threat” with her body She says in a low, quiet voice, “Anne, get to work on the math problems.” Or, “Anne, there is ten minutes left to do the math problems.”

Ms Jones has very simply stated what it is that Anne should do.

Here is a method I’ve used:

Step 1
Make sure you have the student’s attention by making eye contact, using the student’s name in a very calm, and business-like tone, or by using proximity. Doing all three is best.

Step 2
State what you want the student to do. Do not say what not to do. Say what you want the student to do. Use a calm, business-like tone, and use as few words as possible.

For example, do NOT say something like, “Anne, it’s time to take your math book out now, okay?” or “Anne, it would be really nice if you would join us in doing math, so you need to get your math book out right now Please?” or “ANNE! I told you to get your math book out right now! Stop playing around and get to it!” Or even, “Anne, I worry about you when you do not work on math because I don’t know how you will learn it without practice.”

The non-examples use too many words, put the directive in the form of a question, or demonstrate a loss of control by the teacher. The student hears “okay?” or “please?” as making the behavior optional. Shouting or becoming angry shows the student that his delaying strategy is working. And putting the directive into an “I statement” just gives the student more ammunition for her defiance, or falls on deaf ears if the student doesn’t care what the teacher is feeling.

Saying “Anne, get to work on the math problems. There is ten minutes left to do them” is clear and concise There is no room for misunderstanding.

Step 3
Walk away! Don’t give in to the impulse to breathe down the student’s neck. Walk away and give the student 15 to 20 seconds to process the directive and to demonstrate that he is going to comply.

Step 4
If the student is showing ANY sign that he is beginning to comply with what you have told him to do, praise that partial effort. Say, “Good You have done the first problem.”. Or say, “You have begun to work on that. That’s a good start.” And walk away again.

If the student has not begun to comply, you have a choice to make. Will telling the student about a negative consequence that will happen if she continues help Anne understand what she is supposed to do, or is it best to further ignore Anne’s oppositional behavior?

In my opinion, the decision is rooted in what one can predict the outcome will be. If the student’s defiance is quiet, if it is not harming anyone else’s learning, and if the teacher believes that engaging with Anne about the behavior now would escalate the situation, then it would be acceptable to ignore the lack of compliance until later. If the defiance is more overt, if it is distracting others in the class, or if it is preventing the teacher from teaching, then one must take the next steps. That is, repeat the first 3 steps and add a choice. For example, “Anne, you may choose to do these math problems now, or you may choose to do them during lunch.”

Then walk away!

Walking away means you cannot get sucked into an argument. Remember, students with ODD want to engage you in an argument. You will not give the student more ammunition for her attempts to pull you into an argument or to make you lose your temper. By presenting the choice in a calm, business-like manner, you are continuing to teach the class with minimal interruption.

Step 5
If the student has even partially complied, use positive feedback: “Good, you have your book out. Now turn to page 93.” If the student has not complied in any way, follow through on the choices. Use proximity and quietly say, “Michael, you chose to do this during lunch. I will see you here in this room at 11:15.”

And walk away! Become deaf to the face-saving behaviors the student might show. These could be making a remark under his breath, or slamming the book on the desk top, or putting his head down and not participating in class at all. Remember, s/he is doing this to try to engage you in an argument. As long as the behavior is only preventing the student from learning the lesson planned for the day, ignore what the student is doing. At this point, you only need to intervene if the student is preventing others from learning or the teacher from teaching.

Using this 5 step strategy means the teacher is not being controlled by the student’s behavior. The teacher is being authoritative and not being either a doormat or aggressive.

There is a time and a place for using I statements. They are very useful when two people have a working or personal relationship that both want to keep positive. They do not work especially well with that student who is chronically defiant or oppositional.

Winning Parents Over

In another post I talked about forming a positive relationship with parents and a sure-fire way to do that – letting parents know you like their child by telling them good things the child has done at school. It can take some effort to both make the contact with the parent and to find that good thing to tell them about, but the rewards are huge. Parents see you as someone who likes their child and who is not “out to get” him/her. And we benefit because it forces us to look for the good in each and every student.

There are other ways to get parents on your side, too.

Help students know what they learned
Students rarely understand what they’ve learned, so when a parent or other adult asks, “What did you do in school today?” they do not know how to respond. In fact, many kids interpret that question to be asking what happened that was different from any other day.

To top it all off, kids don’t always know how to put their learning experiences into words.

I realized this when I was teaching all day and later I would ask my son what he did in school. I had the advantage of knowing more about what goes on during a school day so I was able to ask more probing questions, but many, if not most, parents do not know this.

I began by asking the students if their parents ever asked them what they did in school. Most raised their hands. Then I asked what they told their parents when they were asked this. Sure enough, most said, “Nothing.”

I started by teaching the students a procedure. “I’m going to help you look absolutely brilliant in front of your parents. At the end of each day (or class period) we’re going to go over what you can tell your folks when they ask that question.”

What we did was reviewed aloud the learning targets for that day (or class). Most teachers write these on the board so it is not difficult to go over them with the students. It is important to have the students read the learning targets out loud, first in unison. Then quickly say, “What did you do in school today . . . Jackson?” And teach the students to respond, “I learned . . . “ Insert the learning target there.

In addition, if your school uses student agendas, those required assignment books, have the students write the learning target in the agenda. Teach the students that they can refer to their agenda to answer the adult’s question.

A picture is worth a thousand words
Parents and grandparents love to show off pictures of their children. Sadly they rarely are able to see what their child is doing at school.

Use technology to show parents you are on their child’s side. Take photos of their child doing school work, laughing at a joke, cleaning up, or helping. Send that photo to the parent using your preferred method. These are not photos that should be put into a class newsletter. That could be considered a violation of confidentiality. Instead these are photos you take just of THAT student and are sent to just his/her parent(s). You can even use photos like this as that monthly positive contact that I’ve discussed in previous posts.

It is difficult for parents to say that Lois hates school when they have a photo of her laughing while working in a small group.

Don’t forget that many families either choose not to use technology or cannot use it. Reliable internet is difficult in rural areas, and costs money in all areas. People who do not use technology as part of their job may be less likely to use it at home. So we have to use the technology the parent is able to use. If you know Lois’ parents do not have access or rarely check email, then print the photo out and drop it in the mail.

If you do use the mail, don’t use an envelope with a school logo or printed return address on it. Too often, those envelopes disappear, either because the child gets the mail before the parent does, or because the parents are too alienated or frustrated by the school to open it. In their experience, mail from school is usually bad news. Instead make the letter look more personal. I’ve even used the more square envelopes you’d expect to find a greeting card. Jot a quick note (Hi, I thought I’d share this photo of Lois with you. Ms. Roe) on a sticky note on the photo and pop it in the mail.

Be careful to not take sides
The majority of marriages end in divorce, and divorce can get really messy. It is easy to fall into the trap of taking sides. As a professional, you are required to work with both parents unless there is a court order to the contrary. This may mean making two phone calls about one child. This may mean sending two copies of the class newsletter instead of one.
Sadly, many parents who are going through a divorce try to get the teacher to side with this one against that one. Don’t do it. This doesn’t mean you cannot listen sympathetically to a parent vent about the other. It does mean that you make sure both parents know you are on the side of the child, and you are willing to work with both of them to benefit the child.

Recognize parental love and concern
There are parents whose parenting style is light years away from ideal, but the motivation behind their parenting is the same. Nine times out of ten, they want what is best for their child. Their understanding of “what’s best” and your ideas may differ, but wanting what is best for the child is a motivating factor both the parent and the teacher has in common. Use it!

When having that difficult conversation with the parent, start by saying something like, “Ms. Jones, I know you love your daughter.” Stop there. Don’t give in to the temptation of adding a “but”. You do not want to say anything that could be interpreted as “but you’re doing it all wrong.” Instead, continue with something like, “I want Lois to be successful just like you do. Let’s work together to help her.”

In my experience, this method gets hostile parents to do a double-take. They’ve probably only had teachers who phrased things to the effect of “your child is broken; fix her!” Those dreaded tiger parents or helicopter parents, as well, have difficulty blaming the teacher for this or that when she puts this slant on it.

This approach puts the conversation with the parent on a completely different foot. Suddenly it is not about the teacher telling the parent that it is the parent’s responsibility to “fix” their child. Instead it is saying that the teacher wants to work in collaboration.

Be sure to reinforce this by ending a conference with something like, “I am confident that by working together, we can get Lois back on track.”

Think “solutions” not “problems”
It is common for teachers to inform parents of problems with the idea that if a parent knows there is a problem, the parent will find a way to fix it. However, parents do not always know what to do. They do not always see the same problem in their interactions with the child. If the child has a history of problems at school, the parent may have begun to think of the school being out to “get” their child.

Labeling a behavior doesn’t help. Saying Jackson is lazy might be true, but it doesn’t offer any way to change the behavior. Telling parents what has happened in a neutral,, business-like way can put us on the way to finding a solution, while just naming the problem just names the problem.

A way to tackle this is to plan out what you are going to tell the parent when you are going to have a face-to-face meeting or if you are making a phone call to them. Try this:

Tell the parent what the child has done in observable and measurable terms. Saying, “Jackson did not turn in his homework on Monday and Tuesday” is neutral. There isn’t room for arguing about it. However, saying, “Jackson doesn’t want to turn in his homework” leaves a lot of room for argument. And when you get right down to it, do you really know what Jackson does or doesn’t want?
Tell the parent what you’ve done to try to solve the problem. Again, do this using observable and measurable terms and do it in a neutral voice: “I talked to Jackson privately just before recess on Monday. He said he’d been too busy to do his homework. When he didn’t turn in work on Tuesday, I talked to him again. He told me that he did do his work, but his mother threw it away by mistake.”
Doing this is less likely to make a parent defensive than saying something to the effect that Jackson was sassy or lying.
Ask the parent for their input. Yes, we are professionals and have a great many ideas on what to do to solve problems, but parents have expertise, too. The parent may answer your question by saying they don’t know or they may tell you things that make you see the underlying causes of the problem behavior.
Be sure to phrase this question in a way that there is no hint of parent-blaming. Saying, “What is going on at home that Jackson is doing this” will make most parents more defensive and hostile. Saying, “Can you help me understand what’s going on with Jackson” is much more neutral and more likely to help the parent see the teacher as wanting to collaborate.
Tell the parent what you will or can do at school to try to solve the problem, and what you’d like them to do at home. Plan out ahead of time what you’d like the parent to do at home in case s/he doesn’t have any ideas about what to do. If you can, incorporate any ideas the parent may have had into these solutions. Tell the parent, this is what you said you will do at home.

Be motivating by offering hope
Unless you are a preschool teacher, odds are the parent(s) of THAT student have heard over and over again about things s/he has done wrong at school. The parents are likely to be frustrated, defensive, overwhelmed or bewildered about what to do to turn things around for their child. They need to work with a teacher who projects confidence and the belief that by working together, things can be different for the child. The parents need to know that the teacher does not think their child is beyond help, or that s/he is so deeply flawed that s/he will always be or have a problem.

In my experience, ending a problem-solving conference with a parent by saying, “I am confident that by working together we can get a handle on this and help Jackson get back on track” works far better than simply telling parents what you want them to do. Saying that, offers parents a glimmer of hope.

Don’t we all need hope to keep on keeping on?

Remember, our language has the power to shape what others think, and it also shapes our beliefs about things. We need to see light at the end of the tunnel when working with THAT student as much as THAT student’s parents need to see the teacher as sincerely wanting to help. Changing the way we talk about things helps. Notice that I called the conference with parents a “problem-solving conference” rather than a “negative phone call” or just a conference. Thinking “problem-solving” shapes the way we think about it. It helps us think about working together with the parent, rather than just naming the problem.

Try these ideas on how to build a more positive relationship with parents, and especially the patents of THAT student.

Do let me know how these ideas are working for you!

Watching Our Language

You’ve told THAT student to sit down 943 times this morning and you may just lose your mind if you have to tell him to sit down one more time! You already know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is one definition for insanity – and THAT student has pushed you right up to the edge of sanity!

My godmother used to say, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.” I always thought it was just a funny saying until I came to analyze my teaching strategies.

The majority of teachers in K-12 are female. Let’s face it: girls are raised differently than boys, and that means their language is different. No, I don’t mean men speak Martian and women speak Venusian as a popular book in the 80s would say. Both men and women speak English, or Spanish, or French, or whatever. But the way we use language is different.

There are many studies and articles that show that women tend to speak more “cooperatively” whereas men tend to use more commanding language. Both styles of language have their strengths and both have their weaknesses.

Weakness in this case has to do with how the listener hears what the other person is saying. It is not a condemnation of the way women speak or the way men speak. That more cooperative speaking style is very useful in some situations. A more commanding styles is useful in other situations. The reverse is also true: either style can be perceived very differently than the way the speaker means the listener to hear.

So why is this something to think about when we’re reading this because we are trying to find a way to keep our cool when THAT student it pushing our buttons? Well, we express what we want students to do using language. In fact, it is the only real tool we have in the classroom. Teachers explain, ask questions, and tell students what to do and when. How we use language, how we phrase a directive is often received by the listener in ways that we do not intend.

One of the things that females are often raised to do is to up a rising inflection at the end of our statements. In English, that rising inflection changes any statement into a question. .

Look at these sentences. If possible, read them aloud.

Sit down!
Sit down?
Time for lunch!
Time for lunch?

You probably read these with a bit different inflection. The way you said the ones with the question mark was a little bit different than the way you said the ones without. That difference is that probably you gave the questions a rising inflection.

Listeners respond differently when they are asked a question than when they are told something. Take the “Time for lunch” statement. If we give that a falling inflection, it means we are saying it is definitely time for lunch. If it is said with a rising inflection it means we are asking if it is time for lunch. We aren’t certain, and the response could be “Yes, it is time for lunch” or “No, it is not time for lunch.”

Really, whenever we ask a question, there are essentially two answers: yes. Or no.

Let’s take this back into the classroom. If we say “Sit down” with that rising inflection, we’ve just asked the student a question instead of giving him or her a directive. Because it is a question, the student can answer “yes” by sitting down, or s/he can answer “no” by continuing to stand up or walk around.

The problem is we want students to do what we’ve just told them to do. Making that directive into a question allows the student to choose to do it or to not do it.

Another way we have been conditioned to be polite is by ending directives with “okay?” It might sound like this: “Boys and girls, put your books away now, okay?”

We think we are being polite or asking if the listener understands the directive. What the listener hears is a question, and a question can be answered “yes” or “no”.

We don’t really want students to think of our directives as optional, as being something they can choose to do or choose not to do. What we really want is for students to do what they are told. And doing what the teacher tells them to do is one of the things with which THAT student has difficulty.

Some people might think, “If I stop saying okay, and if I stop using rising inflection, the students will think I’m being mean and rebel!” We don’t have to give directives in a mean tone. We can change the inflection and still be polite.

It is possible to make statements sound mean just as there is a way to make statements sound like questions. Let’s take a closer look at how we make statements sound different in different situations.

Try this experiment. You are going to say two words in some different ways. (Okay, you can say these in your head if you are reading this where others would see or hear you.) The two words you will say are “Now Aaron”.

The teacher is angry because the student hasn’t done what s/he was told to do, and she says, “Now, Aaron”.
The teacher is telling the students which one can line up right now, and he says, “Now, Aaron.”
The student has told the teacher a tall tale and the teacher doesn’t really believe what the student has said. The teacher says, “Now, Aaron . . .”
The student has told a joke and the teacher is laughing and says, “Now, Aaron.”
The teacher is introducing the student who will give the next speech during an assembly, and he says, “Now, Aaron.”
The teacher has just brought the class back from a break where students were supposed to have used the bathroom. The student walks up to the teacher and asks if he can use the bathroom right now. The teacher says, “Now, Aaron?”

The words we use (in English) are the same in each of the scenarios, but the sound of our voices saying those same two words is different. That was six different ways we use inflection in our voices to get our message across. It is likely someone could come up with other ways to say those two words that would give them even more shades of meaning.

In the classroom, we want students to do what we’ve told them to do, and barring any misunderstandings the student might have, we expect students to do what we are when we ask it.

Whoops! Ask? Remember, if we ask something we have to be prepared for a positive response or a negative response. So if we ask students to sit down (“Aaron, will you please sit down?”) the student could respond by sitting down – a positive response — or by remaining standing which would be a negative response.

If we were to use a polite, authoritative, but firm tone without the rising inflection at the end, then the student hears that they are supposed to do X. Period.

This means we are putting our voices into neutral. We are not using either the cooperative style or the commanding style. If we are in neutral, we are not asking students for their cooperation, nor are we trying to force it.

A bit more about the word “okay”: You may want to try recording yourself when teaching or ask a colleague to come in and observe you. Either way, what you want to check for is how often you use the word “okay”. In all seriousness, I’ve listened to many, many teachers who might say “okay?” 20 times in 5 minutes!

The next thing to think about in our use of language also has to do with how we ask students to do something.

Let’s remember THAT student doesn’t especially like teachers. S/he may have had a rocky relationship with all of his/her teachers since kindergarten. S/he may just not like you, especially if the two of you have butted heads already this school year. So what do you think might go on in his/her head if s/he hears the teacher say, “I want you to sit down now” or “I need you to sit down now” or “I would like you to sit down now”?

Phrasing directives in terms of “I want”, “I need”, or “I would like” could be considered a more cooperative style of giving a directive because the speaker is asking the listener to make a choice about whether or not to fulfill the speaker’s wants, needs, or likes.

Yes, there are those who say that “I statements” are the best way to phrase a statement, however that works best if the other person actually cares or is concerned with the speaker’s wants, needs, or feelings. They are much less effective when the listener does not care if the speaker has a positive outcome.

But, let’s face it, THAT student doesn’t really care what the teacher wants or needs. So it is worth the effort to change what we are saying to THAT student.

The same is true when we phrase things in terms of the student’s needs. An example of this would be the teacher saying, “Aaron, you need to sit down now.” If you think about it, does Aaron really think he needs to sit down? If he is up and about, the answer is probably not. It is likely that being up and out of his seat is what he thinks he needs right now.

The solution is to put our language in neutral. Try rephrasing these kinds of statements to:

Sit down.
Aaron, sit down.

The difference is subtle yet the rephrased comments carry a very different connotation.

Of course, it is also important to make sure how we say things is neutral. Saying “Sit down” with a rising inflection is not perceived well, and neither is saying it in an authoritarian way.

It is not always easy to change our language habits. You may want to create a reminder system for yourself. When I wanted to change something I was doing in the classroom, and I didn’t want the students to know or help me with the change, I would create a set of symbols that were designed to remind me of the change I wanted to make. I would cut them out and tape them in places where I would likely look regularly. For example, I would tape them to the lesson plan book, the student desk I used to prop up my copy of the textbook, by the door, etc. I would see those little symbols and it would remind me to make the change I was trying to make. In this care, these two signs would help me remember to not say “I” or “you” and to put my language in neutral.

Neutral Emoji: Posting symbols can help us remember to make changes to our language.

No I: Use this reminder to avoid saying “I need” or “I want”

Changing the way you use language will not change THAT student’s behavior instantly, however it is a step towards being able to work with THAT student calmly and in a way where THAT student is more likely to do what you really want him/her to do: be a productive member of the class.