relationships – Roe's Rules

The problem with “I Statements”

Picture this:

It is time for math. The students have been given a couple of problems to solve on their own. While the rest of the class is busy with those problems, Anne has stopped working. She is sitting with her arms crossed and has a scowl on her face. She is staring daggers at Ms. Jones. Ms. Jones really wants Anne to get to work. When the teacher says something to Anne, the student begins to mock her by mimicking what Ms. Jones has said.

What should Ms. Jones say or do now?

Many teachers would say, “Anne, knock it off! You are supposed to be working on your math Why aren’t you doing that?”

According to those who advocate for using “I Statements”, the teacher has just put Anne on the defensive by being accusing. If Anne feels defensive, she is more likely to act out furthe.r Instead, they believe Ms Jones should use an “I Statement.”

“I statements” are a way of communicating with others in terms of what the speaker is feeling They are in opposition to making “You Statements”, statements like “Anne, you are supposed to be working with the group.” “I Statements” are supposed to be less accusatory, and are supposed to help the speaker to get the listener to stop doing something because s/he now knows how that behavior affects the speaker.

When using an “I Statement,” the teacher should say something like, “Anne, I feel hurt and frustrated when you mimic what I say instead of working.” If we take the statement apart we see that speaker has phrased his/her statement by telling the listener what the listener’s behavior has made the speaker feel, and has turned it around from accusing the listener to communicating what the speaker feels as a result of the listener’s behavior

The idea of using such statements evolved from the work of psychologist Carl Rogers (1902-1987). He is credited with developing a sort of non-directive therapy. One of his clients, Thomas Gordon (1918-2002), was influenced by this kind of therapy to develop a series of training programs: Parent Effectiveness Training (PET), Leadership Effectiveness Training (LET), and Teacher Effectiveness Training (TET).

TET was introduced in 1965 as a way of helping teaching develop better teacher-student relationships. In this training, teachers are taught to communicate with students by using “I Statements”. The premise is that teachers communicate to students that they are not valued by using certain phrasings, and they can also communicate that they are valued. During the 30 hour training programs, teachers are taught better understand student behavior and to to use active listening when dealing with a student who is acting out. They are also taught to use “I Statements”

There are several very useful parts to TET training. Active listening is an important skill for teachers when meeting with a student or parent in a one-to-one setting, or when talking to a parent on the phone. However, it is very difficult to use when trying to calm an angry student who is threatening to throw a chair, or when working with an oppositional or defiant student.

Every child will have its good and bad days A truly oppositional child is something different. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, defines mental disorders like oppositional defiance. The criteria listed in the DSM for diagnosing Oppositional-Defiant Disorder are symptoms that must have been happening for at least 6 months. The criteria include emotional and behavioral symptoms that last at least six months. These are:

Angry and irritable mood:

Often and easily loses temper
Is frequently touchy and easily annoyed by others
Is often angry and resentful

Argumentative and defiant behavior:

Often argues with adults or people in authority
Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules
Often deliberately annoys or upsets people
Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Vindictiveness:

Is often spiteful or vindictive
Has shown spiteful or vindictive behavior at least twice in the past six months

In addition, the DSM classifies ODD into three levels of severity These are:

Mild Symptoms occur only in one setting, such as only at home, school, work or with peers.
Moderate Some symptoms occur in at least two settings.
Severe Some symptoms occur in three or more settings.

Levels of severity aside, a teacher with an oppositional student knows that it almost always feels “severe” when THAT student is arguing with him/her, is defiant, or deliberately annoying the teacher.

Let’s think a bit about Anne’s behavior. Ms. Jones has tried to communicate with Anne’s parents, but these conversations have left her feeling that she’s made the situation worse because the parents have over-reacted, or the parents tell Ms Jones that nothing they do will change Anne’s behavior. Anne’s previous teachers and other current teachers have labeled Anne “a challenge” for several years. Her older brother behaved in a similar way. A couple of the teachers said they just gave up on Anne because it seemed like nothing they did helped.

Anne hasn’t been diagnosed with ODD, but she seems to fit the profile – and that profile is daunting.

So the advocates of Teacher Effectiveness Training would suggest that when Anne starts mocking Ms Jones and refusing to do her math, Ms Jones should use an “I Statement” to communicate how the teacher feels when Anne mocks her. The idea is that by knowing how one’s behavior makes the other person feel, the person will mend his/her ways because s/he doesn’t want the other person to feel bad or feel bad about him/her.

Here is my issue with “I Statements”. In the situation described above, is there any indication that Anne cares what the teacher feels? I would suggest that Anne probably does not particularly like Ms. Jones, or at least doesn’t like her at that particular moment In addition, the teacher probably does not have the time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Anne. If that is true, then will Anne particularly care how her behavior affects Ms Jones?

I went through Teacher Effectiveness Training back in the late 70s or early 80s I see many good things in this approach to working with students. However, there are parts of TET that I have come to believe are less effective. I’ve come to those conclusions through using the strategies, observing others using the strategies, and through learning more about behavior, and linguistics

The words and tones we use convey messages beyond the simple meaning of the words. There is the connotation, or underlying messages, in a communication. If we think about the underlying messages that Ms. Jones is sending to Anne when she uses an “I Statement”, we can see some of the flaws in the strategy. As mentioned previously, if Anne doesn’t already like Ms. Jones or care about how her behavior affects Ms Jones, then telling Anne about Ms. Jones feelings of hurt or sadness are unlikely to make Anne want to change. Second, an oppositional student will use the knowledge that s/he is hurting the feelings of the other person as ammunition for further misbehavior directed at the teacher. If Anne knows that mocking and mimicking the teacher hurts Ms. Jones’ feelings, and ruffles her feathers, then Anne is likely to act this way again in the future. Remember, an oppositional person deliberately seeks to annoy or upset others.

“I Statements” simply do not work with THAT student, and, at worst, gives THAT student more leverage when she is engaging in oppositional behavior.

One may argue that if Ms. Jones wants to develop a better relationship with Anne, then her feelings have to come into play, that Ms. Jones is going to have to tell Anne how she feels because two people in a relationship of any kind must care about how the other is feeling. While that is true, when Anne is being openly oppositional during a class, that is not the time to work on deepening the relationship. It is also true that making statements that are likely to make Anne defensive won’t help much either.

Instead, using more neutral strategies would make sense.

Somewhere along the line, people began changing “I Statements” into phrasing directives in terms of what the other person needs, for example, “Anne, you need to do your math.” The problem is Anne doesn’t feel any need to do math, and she doesn’t like math, so saying it is “you math” is likely to have Anne protesting that it is the teacher’s math, not hers.

In this case, being neutral means leaving “you” and “I” out of the mix. Ms Jones does not want Anne to feel more defensive than she already does, so saying something like “you knock it off” wouldn’t work. She doesn’t want to give Anne more ammunition, so saying something like “I feel hurt when you” doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t phrase the directive in terms of anyone’s wants or needs. The best approach is to try to redirect Anne while remaining calm and low key. Something like this would work: Ms Jones moves closer to Anne, but is standing a bit sideways presenting the smallest “barrier” or “threat” with her body She says in a low, quiet voice, “Anne, get to work on the math problems.” Or, “Anne, there is ten minutes left to do the math problems.”

Ms Jones has very simply stated what it is that Anne should do.

Here is a method I’ve used:

Step 1
Make sure you have the student’s attention by making eye contact, using the student’s name in a very calm, and business-like tone, or by using proximity. Doing all three is best.

Step 2
State what you want the student to do. Do not say what not to do. Say what you want the student to do. Use a calm, business-like tone, and use as few words as possible.

For example, do NOT say something like, “Anne, it’s time to take your math book out now, okay?” or “Anne, it would be really nice if you would join us in doing math, so you need to get your math book out right now Please?” or “ANNE! I told you to get your math book out right now! Stop playing around and get to it!” Or even, “Anne, I worry about you when you do not work on math because I don’t know how you will learn it without practice.”

The non-examples use too many words, put the directive in the form of a question, or demonstrate a loss of control by the teacher. The student hears “okay?” or “please?” as making the behavior optional. Shouting or becoming angry shows the student that his delaying strategy is working. And putting the directive into an “I statement” just gives the student more ammunition for her defiance, or falls on deaf ears if the student doesn’t care what the teacher is feeling.

Saying “Anne, get to work on the math problems. There is ten minutes left to do them” is clear and concise There is no room for misunderstanding.

Step 3
Walk away! Don’t give in to the impulse to breathe down the student’s neck. Walk away and give the student 15 to 20 seconds to process the directive and to demonstrate that he is going to comply.

Step 4
If the student is showing ANY sign that he is beginning to comply with what you have told him to do, praise that partial effort. Say, “Good You have done the first problem.”. Or say, “You have begun to work on that. That’s a good start.” And walk away again.

If the student has not begun to comply, you have a choice to make. Will telling the student about a negative consequence that will happen if she continues help Anne understand what she is supposed to do, or is it best to further ignore Anne’s oppositional behavior?

In my opinion, the decision is rooted in what one can predict the outcome will be. If the student’s defiance is quiet, if it is not harming anyone else’s learning, and if the teacher believes that engaging with Anne about the behavior now would escalate the situation, then it would be acceptable to ignore the lack of compliance until later. If the defiance is more overt, if it is distracting others in the class, or if it is preventing the teacher from teaching, then one must take the next steps. That is, repeat the first 3 steps and add a choice. For example, “Anne, you may choose to do these math problems now, or you may choose to do them during lunch.”

Then walk away!

Walking away means you cannot get sucked into an argument. Remember, students with ODD want to engage you in an argument. You will not give the student more ammunition for her attempts to pull you into an argument or to make you lose your temper. By presenting the choice in a calm, business-like manner, you are continuing to teach the class with minimal interruption.

Step 5
If the student has even partially complied, use positive feedback: “Good, you have your book out. Now turn to page 93.” If the student has not complied in any way, follow through on the choices. Use proximity and quietly say, “Michael, you chose to do this during lunch. I will see you here in this room at 11:15.”

And walk away! Become deaf to the face-saving behaviors the student might show. These could be making a remark under his breath, or slamming the book on the desk top, or putting his head down and not participating in class at all. Remember, s/he is doing this to try to engage you in an argument. As long as the behavior is only preventing the student from learning the lesson planned for the day, ignore what the student is doing. At this point, you only need to intervene if the student is preventing others from learning or the teacher from teaching.

Using this 5 step strategy means the teacher is not being controlled by the student’s behavior. The teacher is being authoritative and not being either a doormat or aggressive.

There is a time and a place for using I statements. They are very useful when two people have a working or personal relationship that both want to keep positive. They do not work especially well with that student who is chronically defiant or oppositional.

Winning Parents Over

In another post I talked about forming a positive relationship with parents and a sure-fire way to do that – letting parents know you like their child by telling them good things the child has done at school. It can take some effort to both make the contact with the parent and to find that good thing to tell them about, but the rewards are huge. Parents see you as someone who likes their child and who is not “out to get” him/her. And we benefit because it forces us to look for the good in each and every student.

There are other ways to get parents on your side, too.

Help students know what they learned
Students rarely understand what they’ve learned, so when a parent or other adult asks, “What did you do in school today?” they do not know how to respond. In fact, many kids interpret that question to be asking what happened that was different from any other day.

To top it all off, kids don’t always know how to put their learning experiences into words.

I realized this when I was teaching all day and later I would ask my son what he did in school. I had the advantage of knowing more about what goes on during a school day so I was able to ask more probing questions, but many, if not most, parents do not know this.

I began by asking the students if their parents ever asked them what they did in school. Most raised their hands. Then I asked what they told their parents when they were asked this. Sure enough, most said, “Nothing.”

I started by teaching the students a procedure. “I’m going to help you look absolutely brilliant in front of your parents. At the end of each day (or class period) we’re going to go over what you can tell your folks when they ask that question.”

What we did was reviewed aloud the learning targets for that day (or class). Most teachers write these on the board so it is not difficult to go over them with the students. It is important to have the students read the learning targets out loud, first in unison. Then quickly say, “What did you do in school today . . . Jackson?” And teach the students to respond, “I learned . . . “ Insert the learning target there.

In addition, if your school uses student agendas, those required assignment books, have the students write the learning target in the agenda. Teach the students that they can refer to their agenda to answer the adult’s question.

A picture is worth a thousand words
Parents and grandparents love to show off pictures of their children. Sadly they rarely are able to see what their child is doing at school.

Use technology to show parents you are on their child’s side. Take photos of their child doing school work, laughing at a joke, cleaning up, or helping. Send that photo to the parent using your preferred method. These are not photos that should be put into a class newsletter. That could be considered a violation of confidentiality. Instead these are photos you take just of THAT student and are sent to just his/her parent(s). You can even use photos like this as that monthly positive contact that I’ve discussed in previous posts.

It is difficult for parents to say that Lois hates school when they have a photo of her laughing while working in a small group.

Don’t forget that many families either choose not to use technology or cannot use it. Reliable internet is difficult in rural areas, and costs money in all areas. People who do not use technology as part of their job may be less likely to use it at home. So we have to use the technology the parent is able to use. If you know Lois’ parents do not have access or rarely check email, then print the photo out and drop it in the mail.

If you do use the mail, don’t use an envelope with a school logo or printed return address on it. Too often, those envelopes disappear, either because the child gets the mail before the parent does, or because the parents are too alienated or frustrated by the school to open it. In their experience, mail from school is usually bad news. Instead make the letter look more personal. I’ve even used the more square envelopes you’d expect to find a greeting card. Jot a quick note (Hi, I thought I’d share this photo of Lois with you. Ms. Roe) on a sticky note on the photo and pop it in the mail.

Be careful to not take sides
The majority of marriages end in divorce, and divorce can get really messy. It is easy to fall into the trap of taking sides. As a professional, you are required to work with both parents unless there is a court order to the contrary. This may mean making two phone calls about one child. This may mean sending two copies of the class newsletter instead of one.
Sadly, many parents who are going through a divorce try to get the teacher to side with this one against that one. Don’t do it. This doesn’t mean you cannot listen sympathetically to a parent vent about the other. It does mean that you make sure both parents know you are on the side of the child, and you are willing to work with both of them to benefit the child.

Recognize parental love and concern
There are parents whose parenting style is light years away from ideal, but the motivation behind their parenting is the same. Nine times out of ten, they want what is best for their child. Their understanding of “what’s best” and your ideas may differ, but wanting what is best for the child is a motivating factor both the parent and the teacher has in common. Use it!

When having that difficult conversation with the parent, start by saying something like, “Ms. Jones, I know you love your daughter.” Stop there. Don’t give in to the temptation of adding a “but”. You do not want to say anything that could be interpreted as “but you’re doing it all wrong.” Instead, continue with something like, “I want Lois to be successful just like you do. Let’s work together to help her.”

In my experience, this method gets hostile parents to do a double-take. They’ve probably only had teachers who phrased things to the effect of “your child is broken; fix her!” Those dreaded tiger parents or helicopter parents, as well, have difficulty blaming the teacher for this or that when she puts this slant on it.

This approach puts the conversation with the parent on a completely different foot. Suddenly it is not about the teacher telling the parent that it is the parent’s responsibility to “fix” their child. Instead it is saying that the teacher wants to work in collaboration.

Be sure to reinforce this by ending a conference with something like, “I am confident that by working together, we can get Lois back on track.”

Think “solutions” not “problems”
It is common for teachers to inform parents of problems with the idea that if a parent knows there is a problem, the parent will find a way to fix it. However, parents do not always know what to do. They do not always see the same problem in their interactions with the child. If the child has a history of problems at school, the parent may have begun to think of the school being out to “get” their child.

Labeling a behavior doesn’t help. Saying Jackson is lazy might be true, but it doesn’t offer any way to change the behavior. Telling parents what has happened in a neutral,, business-like way can put us on the way to finding a solution, while just naming the problem just names the problem.

A way to tackle this is to plan out what you are going to tell the parent when you are going to have a face-to-face meeting or if you are making a phone call to them. Try this:

Tell the parent what the child has done in observable and measurable terms. Saying, “Jackson did not turn in his homework on Monday and Tuesday” is neutral. There isn’t room for arguing about it. However, saying, “Jackson doesn’t want to turn in his homework” leaves a lot of room for argument. And when you get right down to it, do you really know what Jackson does or doesn’t want?
Tell the parent what you’ve done to try to solve the problem. Again, do this using observable and measurable terms and do it in a neutral voice: “I talked to Jackson privately just before recess on Monday. He said he’d been too busy to do his homework. When he didn’t turn in work on Tuesday, I talked to him again. He told me that he did do his work, but his mother threw it away by mistake.”
Doing this is less likely to make a parent defensive than saying something to the effect that Jackson was sassy or lying.
Ask the parent for their input. Yes, we are professionals and have a great many ideas on what to do to solve problems, but parents have expertise, too. The parent may answer your question by saying they don’t know or they may tell you things that make you see the underlying causes of the problem behavior.
Be sure to phrase this question in a way that there is no hint of parent-blaming. Saying, “What is going on at home that Jackson is doing this” will make most parents more defensive and hostile. Saying, “Can you help me understand what’s going on with Jackson” is much more neutral and more likely to help the parent see the teacher as wanting to collaborate.
Tell the parent what you will or can do at school to try to solve the problem, and what you’d like them to do at home. Plan out ahead of time what you’d like the parent to do at home in case s/he doesn’t have any ideas about what to do. If you can, incorporate any ideas the parent may have had into these solutions. Tell the parent, this is what you said you will do at home.

Be motivating by offering hope
Unless you are a preschool teacher, odds are the parent(s) of THAT student have heard over and over again about things s/he has done wrong at school. The parents are likely to be frustrated, defensive, overwhelmed or bewildered about what to do to turn things around for their child. They need to work with a teacher who projects confidence and the belief that by working together, things can be different for the child. The parents need to know that the teacher does not think their child is beyond help, or that s/he is so deeply flawed that s/he will always be or have a problem.

In my experience, ending a problem-solving conference with a parent by saying, “I am confident that by working together we can get a handle on this and help Jackson get back on track” works far better than simply telling parents what you want them to do. Saying that, offers parents a glimmer of hope.

Don’t we all need hope to keep on keeping on?

Remember, our language has the power to shape what others think, and it also shapes our beliefs about things. We need to see light at the end of the tunnel when working with THAT student as much as THAT student’s parents need to see the teacher as sincerely wanting to help. Changing the way we talk about things helps. Notice that I called the conference with parents a “problem-solving conference” rather than a “negative phone call” or just a conference. Thinking “problem-solving” shapes the way we think about it. It helps us think about working together with the parent, rather than just naming the problem.

Try these ideas on how to build a more positive relationship with parents, and especially the patents of THAT student.

Do let me know how these ideas are working for you!

The OTHER Relationship to Nurture

I usually post on Sundays, but I just read an essay by a parent that triggers this response:

We all know relationships are a very important part of being a teacher. Who hasn’t heard the saying that kids won’t care about learning unless they know you care about them? In the last two posts, I’ve encouraged you to try to find something THAT student does that is positive. Looking for the positives in a student can change our whole perspective!

There is another person (or persons) with whom we need to establish a positive relationship: the parent. If you are like many teachers, you read that line and rolled your eyes. After all, if THAT student had parents who cared, would s/he be such a challenge?

Let me share a little story about me. I have a son. When he was a child, he was very challenging, both at home and at school. From what I head from teachers, A was rude, defiant, lazy, distracted, and he did not turn in homework. I used to feel sick when it was time for parent-teacher conferences. I wouldn’t sleep the night before. I knew I would hear a litany of negative things about the little boy I loved.

To make matters worse, I was an educator, for goodness sake! I knew what was expected of a child in school. I knew how to get 30+ kids in a single room to behave and how to instill a sense of self-discipline. What A’s teachers did not seem to know was that every day I did all of the things that I knew were supposed to work, all of the things I had suggested to parents during a parent-teacher conference myself. I never found a particularly good way to tell the teachers that A had an assigned homework time, that if he didn’t bring his homework home, he would be assigned homework by me. He had a bedtime that was enforced. He was encouraged to read and explore his interests. He was forced to practice his saxophone daily. We played chess. He did chores. He was disciplined when he make a poor behavior choice. Screen time was limited. We did things together. In short, we did all of the things one would expect a parent of a “good” kid to do. And if I did manage to tell the teacher these things, it was always clear that s/he didn’t believe me.

As I would listen to teachers tell me things like, “He’s smart but . . .”, I would cringe inside. As the teacher began to speak in a more and more patronizing tones, I would take a firm grip on my anger with both hands. I would feel furious and guilty at the same time. At school functions I felt like teachers were whispering among themselves, “You see her over there? That’s A’s mom. Did you know . . .” After all, I had heard teachers say such things in the school where I taught, so why wouldn’t the same be true at A’s school? I felt judged and belittled.

(Yes, A is smart. He earned the second highest ACT score in the state the year he took that exam, but he graduated from high school with a 1.0 grade point average. He managed to raise his GPA that high the day before graduation by showing the English teacher the novel he was allegedly writing; he’d managed to knock off the first three chapters the night before.)

This repeated for every parent-teacher conference for every year A was in school. I figure that is about 26 conferences, and that does not count telephone contacts or letters or “mid-term reports” that would usually arrive just about in time for report cards to come out and it does not count the times I was asked to come to the school for a “special” conference. Is it any wonder that I felt stressed and angry and fearful at the thought of going to conferences or attending school functions?

My son was diagnosed with ADD when he was very young, back when it was called “minimal brain dysfunction.” I did all of the things the doctors recommended: medication, changing his diet, using behavior modification strategies. I would try to talk to teachers each school year about what that kind of diagnosis meant and how I wanted to work with them so that we would be a united team to help A reach his potential. Each year the teachers would demonstrate that they did not really understand ADD (“He pays attention to the computer well enough!”) and they began to assign the “challenging” label to him, and would talk about his “bad behavior.”

Although I lobbied for my son, and even though I repeatedly requested 504 plans, I was consistently told that he did not qualify. I heard this even when I was working on my masters and studying education law. I knew he qualified for many things, but the schools told me he did not and that if I would just do this or that, he would “straighten out.”

I can honestly say that in A’s whole school career I only heard one positive thing about him and that was from the school principal when I was called in to discuss some other infraction.

Why do I tell you all this? To show that I have a prejudice? To gain some sympathy? No. I tell you this because I have a unique perspective: I’ve seen students’ behavior from both sides of the desk – from the perspective of a teacher, from the perspective of a parent, and, later, from the perspective of a school principal.

Because of this unique perspective, I learned something: parents who care deeply about their child’s school success can be alienated from the whole school system.

If you’ve taught for any time at all, you know what it is like to deal with parents who are alienated from the schools. These are the parents who do not answer emails, who do not return phone calls, and who do not come to school functions. They are the parents who are hostile when we do catch up to them or who seem to dismiss our suggestions and requests. They can be the parents we dread to contact because we know they will yell or blame us for whatever the student is doing. Eventually we start to shake our heads and talk about how so-and-so’s parents let him or her get away with murder and who just don’t care.

Raising A taught me many things. One thing is that parents do care. They may not care in the way you would like them to care, but they do care. They are doing the best they can, and while we educators may not agree with how they deal with school issues, they are trying to raise their child well.

Don’t get me wrong! It only takes a single trip to WalMart or the grocery store to see parenting styles that any teacher would classify in the fail column! Nonetheless, parents do care.

So why do so many parents act like they don’t care? Because of their previous experiences with the school, and their perception of what the “school” thinks of their child.

I tried an experiment when I was still in the classroom. I was reading on my never ending quest to know more about classroom management and discipline, and I found a suggestion that I contact every student’s parent(s) with something positive about him or her at least once a month. I was teaching middle school at the time and saw more than 100 students per day. I wasn’t sure I had enough time to do it, but I gave it a try. I was overwhelmed by the response. I heard parents sob on the other end of the phone and tell me they had never once heard anything good about their child from the school. I had parents tell me that they were surprised that anyone at the school liked their child. Suddenly I had parents describing me as one of the “good” teachers even though I was strict. In fact, they would praise my being strict with their child. The principal called me into her office to tell me that she’d received phone calls about me, positive phone calls.

Why did they react this way? I think the parents defined it best: they believed those positive phone calls meant that I liked their child. Later, if I had occasion to make a call about something negative the student did, they were much more willing to listen and to discuss what we, together, could do about it.

I tried the same tactic when I became a principal. I could not contact every student’s family every month, but I picked out the kids who had a reputation for being chronic troublemakers. I watched those kids and made calls about the positive things they did. The response again was positive.

(You can read a short essay I wrote about this in ASCD Express: http://www.ascd.org/ascd-express/vol9/905-roe.aspx )

So besides your relationship with the students, there is another relationship for you to nurture: your relationship with parents. Yes, there are parents with whom it is very easy to establish that positive relationship. It is more challenging to contact the “helicopter” parents and still more challenging to work on the relationship with those parents who have a reputation for not caring or for hating the school system It can be done, and the rewards are enormous. Every positive contact a teacher makes is like putting money into the bank. When that day arrives when the teacher has to make that contact about the student’s negative behavior, that “bank account” pays huge dividends!

Don’t forget that not every household has internet access. It costs money that many families do not have, and it is hard to come by in rural areas. Email is convenient, but it is not the only way to contact parents. I learned to love voice mail. I could make a call, leave a quick message – “Hi, this is Ms. Roe from school. I just wanted to let you know that . . .” I came to believe that there was something more personal about using the phone anyway.

Give it a try! Hopefully, you are already looking for positive things about each of the students, especially THAT student, as suggested in previous posts. You know some of the reasons we form negative opinions about students and are, hopefully, working on ways to overcome the self-fulfilling prophesy. Take the next step and start to let parents know about the positive things you’ve noticed about their child. It is well worth the effort!