authoritative – Roe's Rules

The Passive-Aggressive Student

Do you recognize these students?

Katie
You have given the class a directive to do a certain assignment. Katie gives a big sigh and rolls her eyes. You look at her and raise your eyebrow. Katie responds by saying, “No offense, but a whole lot of people think this is busy work. Just saying.”

Michael
You tell the class to put away their markers and glue sticks, to get out their math books and do the warm-up exercises on page 98. Michael seems to be making a career out of putting the caps onto his markers just so, making sure the glue stick is twisted back into the tube exactly this amount. He spends some more time arranging the markers and glue stick in his desk, then gets up to sharpen a pencil. He takes the long way back to his desk, and then spends a few minutes looking in his things for his math book. The rest of the class has completed the warm-up exercise before Michael has even opened his book.

Ann
Ann knows the teacher is an avid Packer fan. A few minutes into the class period she asks the teacher what he thinks the Packer’s odds are of wining over the Bears. She asks this knowing that the teacher will begin to rant about this team or that team and their coaches. When the teacher seems to slow down a bit, Ann asks another question to keep the teacher going.

All three of these students are displaying passive-aggressive behavior. They may not be openly defying the teacher, but the result is the same. Katie is using her “no offense” statement to deliberately insult the teacher’s ability to plan meaningful assignments. Michael is using stalling tactics to avoid doing the math warm[up exercises. Ann is attempting to make it so there is no lesson today in that class.

Ann, Katie and Michael have become THAT student, the one who can frustrate a teacher to the point where s/he loses control and begins to shout. An openly aggressive student might holler, or pinch, or throw a book. That is upsetting, but the passive end of the passive-aggressive spectrum is probably more frustrating.

Whether the student’s behavior is on the passive end of passive-aggressive behavior or the aggressive end, students (and sometimes teachers, friends, administrators, and parents) who are passive-aggressive are attempting to confuse, control, or punish other people with their behavior. Aggressive behaviors generally send a clear, unambiguous message that X is not something the student is willing to do, or that Y has made him/her angry. Students, and others, who attempt to manipulate others by being passive use a constellation of behaviors to confuse, control, or punish other people without being overtly aggressive or confrontational.

These passive but aggressive behaviors can be grouped into some common categories.

Subtle insults or digs:
Katie was using this strategy to let the teacher know what she thinks of the work the teacher has planned. Starting the statement with “no offense, but” is a clear signal that what follows is meant to be offensive. She then says that “a whole lot of people” to try to put numbers on her side, to imply that she is the only one honest enough to let you know what “everyone” is thinking. Katie ends with “just saying”. This phrase seems to be a way of saying that the speaker is supposed to be absolved of any insult, slight, or hurt that is the result of what s/he just said.

Slow to respond or does not comply:
Michael used this tactic to express his feelings about the math warm-up exercise or about being made to stop doing what he was doing, a preferred activity. He does everything he can think of to delay taking out his textbook. If the teacher were to correct him or attempt to hurry him, he would probably act stricken and hurt that the teacher did not “allow” him to put his things away neatly or to have a pencil with a functioning point.

Another example of a delaying tactic is the student who cannot seem to move a millimeter without asking the teacher for help or to validate what s/he has done. This is the student who asks 493 questions about an assignment, or who consistently asks the teacher to help him. Many students who use this tactic have been successful in the past at getting the teacher to do the work for him. For example, Michael asks the teacher for help with a math problem. The teacher starts to talk Michael through the problem, but because Michael continues to act confused or frustrated, the teacher winds up saying, “Here, Ill show you” and does the problem for Michael

The silent treatment:
When a student does not respond to what the teacher says to him, he is giving the teacher the silent treatment. A more frustrating version of this is the student who might roll his eyes, drag his feel, but slowly complies without speaking aloud, however the look on his face let’s the teacher know that, whatever it is, he is doing it under protest.

Students may also signal they are using the silent treatment by saying something, “Whatever” when told to do this or that. This is saying, in effect, “I’m doing this under protest.” It also makes sure the teacher, and fellow students know that THAT student is not happy.

Sabotage:
A student who is using sabotage might subtly but deliberately mess up her work, her group’s work, another student’s work, or the teacher’s work in order to avoid working or to let the other person know that she doesn’t approve, or is mad about this or something else. It is tough sometimes to know what the student is mad about. Students can deliberately sabotage by consistently leaving homework at home or in their lockers, by consistently “forgetting” to bring necessary supplies (when it is not an economic reason). Sabotage can be as subtle as trying to get the teacher off on a tangent to avoid having a particular lesson or class In my experience, high school and middle school students can be masters at this!

Keeping score:
In essence, keeping score is saying “I’ll do this if you do that” or “you did this to me so I am going to do this other thing.” Students who keep score often will try to persuade the teacher to do this or that because the student has done this or that. For example, Marcus says, “If I turn in my paper, what will you give me for it?” or “Because you let me chew gum in class today, I will do what you have asked me to do now” or “You did not allow me to chew gum in class when Henry was chewing gum so I’m not going to comply with what you want.”

This last can happen even when the teacher didn’t know that Henry had gum. A passive-aggressive student might try to pull the teacher into an argument about Henry chewing gum or the advantages of chewing gum, switching tactics from keeping score to sabotage.

Psychologists tell us that anger is the root cause of all of these behaviors. The student might be angry at the teacher, at education in general, at his parents, or at the world. However, for whatever reason, the student has learned that an outright expression of anger is not allowed.

Like many negative student behaviors, there may be very good reasons why the student has learned to act in this particular manner. We could spend days looking at these reasons or fill a book with examples. What we really want to know, though, is not its cause but how to cope with it in the classroom.

Here is a method I’ve used:

Step 1
Make sure you have the student’s attention by making eye contact, using the student’s name in a very calm, and business-like tone, or by using proximity. Doing all three is best.

Step 2
State what you want the student to do. Do not say what not to do. Say what you want the student to do. Use a calm, business-like tone, and use as few words as possible.

For example, do NOT say something like, “Michael, it’s time to take your math book out now, okay?” or “Michael, it would be really nice if you would join us in doing math, so you need to get your math book out right now. Please?” or “MICHAEL! I told you to get your math book out right now! Stop playing around and get to it!”

The non-examples use too many words, put the directive in the form of a question, or demonstrate a loss of control by the teacher. The student hears “okay?” or “please?” as making the behavior optional. Shouting or becoming angry shows the student that his delaying strategy is working.

Instead say, “Michael, get your math book out now.”

This is clear and concise. There is no room for misunderstanding.

Step 3
Walk away! Don’t give in to the impulse to breathe down the student’s neck. Walk away and give the student 15 to 20 seconds to process the directive and to demonstrate that he is going to comply.

Step 4
If the student is showing ANY sign that he is beginning to comply with what you have told him to do, praise that partial effort. Say, “Good. You have taken out the math book. Now open it to page 93.” Or say, “You have your math book out. That’s a good start.” And walk away again.

If the student has not begun to comply, repeat the first 3 steps and add a choice. For example, “Michael, you may choose to get out your math book now, or you may choose to do the warm-up exercise during lunch.”

Then walk away!

Walking away means you cannot get sucked into an argument. You will not “help” the student do something s/he is perfectly capable of doing. And you are continuing to teach the class with minimal interruption.

Step 5
If the student has even partially complied, use positive feedback: “Good, you have your book out. Now turn to page 93.” If the student has not complied in any way, follow through on the choices. Use proximity and quietly say, “Michael, you have chosen to do this during lunch. I will see you here in this room at 11:15.”

And walk away. Become deaf to the face-saving behaviors the student might show. These could be making a remark under his breath, or slamming the book on the desk top, or putting his head down and not participating in class at all. As long as the behavior is only preventing the student from learning the lesson planned for the day, ignore what the student is doing. You only need to intervene if the student is preventing others from learning or the teacher from teaching.

Using this 5 step strategy means the teacher is not being controlled by the student’s behavior. The teacher is being authoritative and not being either a doormat or aggressive.

What if you have just realized you use passive-aggressive strategies to get a student to comply? A teacher’s passive-aggressive behavior can trigger rebellion in some students, making the student into THAT student. But a teacher has an advantage. Teachers are grown-ups, and as grown-ups, we are much more capable of recognizing and changing our behavior than children are. We can choose to adopt behaviors that are assertive, not manipulative.

You now know some of the warning signs of a student using passive-aggressive behaviors. To get the student to do what you want him/her to do, remember to be direct, say what you want the student to do in clear, simple, positive terms. If the student does not comply, use the steps above to tell the student what s/he must do to comply. Don’t forget to praise partial compliance!

Watching Our Language

You’ve told THAT student to sit down 943 times this morning and you may just lose your mind if you have to tell him to sit down one more time! You already know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is one definition for insanity – and THAT student has pushed you right up to the edge of sanity!

My godmother used to say, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.” I always thought it was just a funny saying until I came to analyze my teaching strategies.

The majority of teachers in K-12 are female. Let’s face it: girls are raised differently than boys, and that means their language is different. No, I don’t mean men speak Martian and women speak Venusian as a popular book in the 80s would say. Both men and women speak English, or Spanish, or French, or whatever. But the way we use language is different.

There are many studies and articles that show that women tend to speak more “cooperatively” whereas men tend to use more commanding language. Both styles of language have their strengths and both have their weaknesses.

Weakness in this case has to do with how the listener hears what the other person is saying. It is not a condemnation of the way women speak or the way men speak. That more cooperative speaking style is very useful in some situations. A more commanding styles is useful in other situations. The reverse is also true: either style can be perceived very differently than the way the speaker means the listener to hear.

So why is this something to think about when we’re reading this because we are trying to find a way to keep our cool when THAT student it pushing our buttons? Well, we express what we want students to do using language. In fact, it is the only real tool we have in the classroom. Teachers explain, ask questions, and tell students what to do and when. How we use language, how we phrase a directive is often received by the listener in ways that we do not intend.

One of the things that females are often raised to do is to up a rising inflection at the end of our statements. In English, that rising inflection changes any statement into a question. .

Look at these sentences. If possible, read them aloud.

Sit down!
Sit down?
Time for lunch!
Time for lunch?

You probably read these with a bit different inflection. The way you said the ones with the question mark was a little bit different than the way you said the ones without. That difference is that probably you gave the questions a rising inflection.

Listeners respond differently when they are asked a question than when they are told something. Take the “Time for lunch” statement. If we give that a falling inflection, it means we are saying it is definitely time for lunch. If it is said with a rising inflection it means we are asking if it is time for lunch. We aren’t certain, and the response could be “Yes, it is time for lunch” or “No, it is not time for lunch.”

Really, whenever we ask a question, there are essentially two answers: yes. Or no.

Let’s take this back into the classroom. If we say “Sit down” with that rising inflection, we’ve just asked the student a question instead of giving him or her a directive. Because it is a question, the student can answer “yes” by sitting down, or s/he can answer “no” by continuing to stand up or walk around.

The problem is we want students to do what we’ve just told them to do. Making that directive into a question allows the student to choose to do it or to not do it.

Another way we have been conditioned to be polite is by ending directives with “okay?” It might sound like this: “Boys and girls, put your books away now, okay?”

We think we are being polite or asking if the listener understands the directive. What the listener hears is a question, and a question can be answered “yes” or “no”.

We don’t really want students to think of our directives as optional, as being something they can choose to do or choose not to do. What we really want is for students to do what they are told. And doing what the teacher tells them to do is one of the things with which THAT student has difficulty.

Some people might think, “If I stop saying okay, and if I stop using rising inflection, the students will think I’m being mean and rebel!” We don’t have to give directives in a mean tone. We can change the inflection and still be polite.

It is possible to make statements sound mean just as there is a way to make statements sound like questions. Let’s take a closer look at how we make statements sound different in different situations.

Try this experiment. You are going to say two words in some different ways. (Okay, you can say these in your head if you are reading this where others would see or hear you.) The two words you will say are “Now Aaron”.

The teacher is angry because the student hasn’t done what s/he was told to do, and she says, “Now, Aaron”.
The teacher is telling the students which one can line up right now, and he says, “Now, Aaron.”
The student has told the teacher a tall tale and the teacher doesn’t really believe what the student has said. The teacher says, “Now, Aaron . . .”
The student has told a joke and the teacher is laughing and says, “Now, Aaron.”
The teacher is introducing the student who will give the next speech during an assembly, and he says, “Now, Aaron.”
The teacher has just brought the class back from a break where students were supposed to have used the bathroom. The student walks up to the teacher and asks if he can use the bathroom right now. The teacher says, “Now, Aaron?”

The words we use (in English) are the same in each of the scenarios, but the sound of our voices saying those same two words is different. That was six different ways we use inflection in our voices to get our message across. It is likely someone could come up with other ways to say those two words that would give them even more shades of meaning.

In the classroom, we want students to do what we’ve told them to do, and barring any misunderstandings the student might have, we expect students to do what we are when we ask it.

Whoops! Ask? Remember, if we ask something we have to be prepared for a positive response or a negative response. So if we ask students to sit down (“Aaron, will you please sit down?”) the student could respond by sitting down – a positive response — or by remaining standing which would be a negative response.

If we were to use a polite, authoritative, but firm tone without the rising inflection at the end, then the student hears that they are supposed to do X. Period.

This means we are putting our voices into neutral. We are not using either the cooperative style or the commanding style. If we are in neutral, we are not asking students for their cooperation, nor are we trying to force it.

A bit more about the word “okay”: You may want to try recording yourself when teaching or ask a colleague to come in and observe you. Either way, what you want to check for is how often you use the word “okay”. In all seriousness, I’ve listened to many, many teachers who might say “okay?” 20 times in 5 minutes!

The next thing to think about in our use of language also has to do with how we ask students to do something.

Let’s remember THAT student doesn’t especially like teachers. S/he may have had a rocky relationship with all of his/her teachers since kindergarten. S/he may just not like you, especially if the two of you have butted heads already this school year. So what do you think might go on in his/her head if s/he hears the teacher say, “I want you to sit down now” or “I need you to sit down now” or “I would like you to sit down now”?

Phrasing directives in terms of “I want”, “I need”, or “I would like” could be considered a more cooperative style of giving a directive because the speaker is asking the listener to make a choice about whether or not to fulfill the speaker’s wants, needs, or likes.

Yes, there are those who say that “I statements” are the best way to phrase a statement, however that works best if the other person actually cares or is concerned with the speaker’s wants, needs, or feelings. They are much less effective when the listener does not care if the speaker has a positive outcome.

But, let’s face it, THAT student doesn’t really care what the teacher wants or needs. So it is worth the effort to change what we are saying to THAT student.

The same is true when we phrase things in terms of the student’s needs. An example of this would be the teacher saying, “Aaron, you need to sit down now.” If you think about it, does Aaron really think he needs to sit down? If he is up and about, the answer is probably not. It is likely that being up and out of his seat is what he thinks he needs right now.

The solution is to put our language in neutral. Try rephrasing these kinds of statements to:

Sit down.
Aaron, sit down.

The difference is subtle yet the rephrased comments carry a very different connotation.

Of course, it is also important to make sure how we say things is neutral. Saying “Sit down” with a rising inflection is not perceived well, and neither is saying it in an authoritarian way.

It is not always easy to change our language habits. You may want to create a reminder system for yourself. When I wanted to change something I was doing in the classroom, and I didn’t want the students to know or help me with the change, I would create a set of symbols that were designed to remind me of the change I wanted to make. I would cut them out and tape them in places where I would likely look regularly. For example, I would tape them to the lesson plan book, the student desk I used to prop up my copy of the textbook, by the door, etc. I would see those little symbols and it would remind me to make the change I was trying to make. In this care, these two signs would help me remember to not say “I” or “you” and to put my language in neutral.

Neutral Emoji: Posting symbols can help us remember to make changes to our language.

No I: Use this reminder to avoid saying “I need” or “I want”

Changing the way you use language will not change THAT student’s behavior instantly, however it is a step towards being able to work with THAT student calmly and in a way where THAT student is more likely to do what you really want him/her to do: be a productive member of the class.