changing behavior – Roe's Rules

The problem with “I Statements”

Picture this:

It is time for math. The students have been given a couple of problems to solve on their own. While the rest of the class is busy with those problems, Anne has stopped working. She is sitting with her arms crossed and has a scowl on her face. She is staring daggers at Ms. Jones. Ms. Jones really wants Anne to get to work. When the teacher says something to Anne, the student begins to mock her by mimicking what Ms. Jones has said.

What should Ms. Jones say or do now?

Many teachers would say, “Anne, knock it off! You are supposed to be working on your math Why aren’t you doing that?”

According to those who advocate for using “I Statements”, the teacher has just put Anne on the defensive by being accusing. If Anne feels defensive, she is more likely to act out furthe.r Instead, they believe Ms Jones should use an “I Statement.”

“I statements” are a way of communicating with others in terms of what the speaker is feeling They are in opposition to making “You Statements”, statements like “Anne, you are supposed to be working with the group.” “I Statements” are supposed to be less accusatory, and are supposed to help the speaker to get the listener to stop doing something because s/he now knows how that behavior affects the speaker.

When using an “I Statement,” the teacher should say something like, “Anne, I feel hurt and frustrated when you mimic what I say instead of working.” If we take the statement apart we see that speaker has phrased his/her statement by telling the listener what the listener’s behavior has made the speaker feel, and has turned it around from accusing the listener to communicating what the speaker feels as a result of the listener’s behavior

The idea of using such statements evolved from the work of psychologist Carl Rogers (1902-1987). He is credited with developing a sort of non-directive therapy. One of his clients, Thomas Gordon (1918-2002), was influenced by this kind of therapy to develop a series of training programs: Parent Effectiveness Training (PET), Leadership Effectiveness Training (LET), and Teacher Effectiveness Training (TET).

TET was introduced in 1965 as a way of helping teaching develop better teacher-student relationships. In this training, teachers are taught to communicate with students by using “I Statements”. The premise is that teachers communicate to students that they are not valued by using certain phrasings, and they can also communicate that they are valued. During the 30 hour training programs, teachers are taught better understand student behavior and to to use active listening when dealing with a student who is acting out. They are also taught to use “I Statements”

There are several very useful parts to TET training. Active listening is an important skill for teachers when meeting with a student or parent in a one-to-one setting, or when talking to a parent on the phone. However, it is very difficult to use when trying to calm an angry student who is threatening to throw a chair, or when working with an oppositional or defiant student.

Every child will have its good and bad days A truly oppositional child is something different. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, defines mental disorders like oppositional defiance. The criteria listed in the DSM for diagnosing Oppositional-Defiant Disorder are symptoms that must have been happening for at least 6 months. The criteria include emotional and behavioral symptoms that last at least six months. These are:

Angry and irritable mood:

Often and easily loses temper
Is frequently touchy and easily annoyed by others
Is often angry and resentful

Argumentative and defiant behavior:

Often argues with adults or people in authority
Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules
Often deliberately annoys or upsets people
Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Vindictiveness:

Is often spiteful or vindictive
Has shown spiteful or vindictive behavior at least twice in the past six months

In addition, the DSM classifies ODD into three levels of severity These are:

Mild Symptoms occur only in one setting, such as only at home, school, work or with peers.
Moderate Some symptoms occur in at least two settings.
Severe Some symptoms occur in three or more settings.

Levels of severity aside, a teacher with an oppositional student knows that it almost always feels “severe” when THAT student is arguing with him/her, is defiant, or deliberately annoying the teacher.

Let’s think a bit about Anne’s behavior. Ms. Jones has tried to communicate with Anne’s parents, but these conversations have left her feeling that she’s made the situation worse because the parents have over-reacted, or the parents tell Ms Jones that nothing they do will change Anne’s behavior. Anne’s previous teachers and other current teachers have labeled Anne “a challenge” for several years. Her older brother behaved in a similar way. A couple of the teachers said they just gave up on Anne because it seemed like nothing they did helped.

Anne hasn’t been diagnosed with ODD, but she seems to fit the profile – and that profile is daunting.

So the advocates of Teacher Effectiveness Training would suggest that when Anne starts mocking Ms Jones and refusing to do her math, Ms Jones should use an “I Statement” to communicate how the teacher feels when Anne mocks her. The idea is that by knowing how one’s behavior makes the other person feel, the person will mend his/her ways because s/he doesn’t want the other person to feel bad or feel bad about him/her.

Here is my issue with “I Statements”. In the situation described above, is there any indication that Anne cares what the teacher feels? I would suggest that Anne probably does not particularly like Ms. Jones, or at least doesn’t like her at that particular moment In addition, the teacher probably does not have the time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Anne. If that is true, then will Anne particularly care how her behavior affects Ms Jones?

I went through Teacher Effectiveness Training back in the late 70s or early 80s I see many good things in this approach to working with students. However, there are parts of TET that I have come to believe are less effective. I’ve come to those conclusions through using the strategies, observing others using the strategies, and through learning more about behavior, and linguistics

The words and tones we use convey messages beyond the simple meaning of the words. There is the connotation, or underlying messages, in a communication. If we think about the underlying messages that Ms. Jones is sending to Anne when she uses an “I Statement”, we can see some of the flaws in the strategy. As mentioned previously, if Anne doesn’t already like Ms. Jones or care about how her behavior affects Ms Jones, then telling Anne about Ms. Jones feelings of hurt or sadness are unlikely to make Anne want to change. Second, an oppositional student will use the knowledge that s/he is hurting the feelings of the other person as ammunition for further misbehavior directed at the teacher. If Anne knows that mocking and mimicking the teacher hurts Ms. Jones’ feelings, and ruffles her feathers, then Anne is likely to act this way again in the future. Remember, an oppositional person deliberately seeks to annoy or upset others.

“I Statements” simply do not work with THAT student, and, at worst, gives THAT student more leverage when she is engaging in oppositional behavior.

One may argue that if Ms. Jones wants to develop a better relationship with Anne, then her feelings have to come into play, that Ms. Jones is going to have to tell Anne how she feels because two people in a relationship of any kind must care about how the other is feeling. While that is true, when Anne is being openly oppositional during a class, that is not the time to work on deepening the relationship. It is also true that making statements that are likely to make Anne defensive won’t help much either.

Instead, using more neutral strategies would make sense.

Somewhere along the line, people began changing “I Statements” into phrasing directives in terms of what the other person needs, for example, “Anne, you need to do your math.” The problem is Anne doesn’t feel any need to do math, and she doesn’t like math, so saying it is “you math” is likely to have Anne protesting that it is the teacher’s math, not hers.

In this case, being neutral means leaving “you” and “I” out of the mix. Ms Jones does not want Anne to feel more defensive than she already does, so saying something like “you knock it off” wouldn’t work. She doesn’t want to give Anne more ammunition, so saying something like “I feel hurt when you” doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t phrase the directive in terms of anyone’s wants or needs. The best approach is to try to redirect Anne while remaining calm and low key. Something like this would work: Ms Jones moves closer to Anne, but is standing a bit sideways presenting the smallest “barrier” or “threat” with her body She says in a low, quiet voice, “Anne, get to work on the math problems.” Or, “Anne, there is ten minutes left to do the math problems.”

Ms Jones has very simply stated what it is that Anne should do.

Here is a method I’ve used:

Step 1
Make sure you have the student’s attention by making eye contact, using the student’s name in a very calm, and business-like tone, or by using proximity. Doing all three is best.

Step 2
State what you want the student to do. Do not say what not to do. Say what you want the student to do. Use a calm, business-like tone, and use as few words as possible.

For example, do NOT say something like, “Anne, it’s time to take your math book out now, okay?” or “Anne, it would be really nice if you would join us in doing math, so you need to get your math book out right now Please?” or “ANNE! I told you to get your math book out right now! Stop playing around and get to it!” Or even, “Anne, I worry about you when you do not work on math because I don’t know how you will learn it without practice.”

The non-examples use too many words, put the directive in the form of a question, or demonstrate a loss of control by the teacher. The student hears “okay?” or “please?” as making the behavior optional. Shouting or becoming angry shows the student that his delaying strategy is working. And putting the directive into an “I statement” just gives the student more ammunition for her defiance, or falls on deaf ears if the student doesn’t care what the teacher is feeling.

Saying “Anne, get to work on the math problems. There is ten minutes left to do them” is clear and concise There is no room for misunderstanding.

Step 3
Walk away! Don’t give in to the impulse to breathe down the student’s neck. Walk away and give the student 15 to 20 seconds to process the directive and to demonstrate that he is going to comply.

Step 4
If the student is showing ANY sign that he is beginning to comply with what you have told him to do, praise that partial effort. Say, “Good You have done the first problem.”. Or say, “You have begun to work on that. That’s a good start.” And walk away again.

If the student has not begun to comply, you have a choice to make. Will telling the student about a negative consequence that will happen if she continues help Anne understand what she is supposed to do, or is it best to further ignore Anne’s oppositional behavior?

In my opinion, the decision is rooted in what one can predict the outcome will be. If the student’s defiance is quiet, if it is not harming anyone else’s learning, and if the teacher believes that engaging with Anne about the behavior now would escalate the situation, then it would be acceptable to ignore the lack of compliance until later. If the defiance is more overt, if it is distracting others in the class, or if it is preventing the teacher from teaching, then one must take the next steps. That is, repeat the first 3 steps and add a choice. For example, “Anne, you may choose to do these math problems now, or you may choose to do them during lunch.”

Then walk away!

Walking away means you cannot get sucked into an argument. Remember, students with ODD want to engage you in an argument. You will not give the student more ammunition for her attempts to pull you into an argument or to make you lose your temper. By presenting the choice in a calm, business-like manner, you are continuing to teach the class with minimal interruption.

Step 5
If the student has even partially complied, use positive feedback: “Good, you have your book out. Now turn to page 93.” If the student has not complied in any way, follow through on the choices. Use proximity and quietly say, “Michael, you chose to do this during lunch. I will see you here in this room at 11:15.”

And walk away! Become deaf to the face-saving behaviors the student might show. These could be making a remark under his breath, or slamming the book on the desk top, or putting his head down and not participating in class at all. Remember, s/he is doing this to try to engage you in an argument. As long as the behavior is only preventing the student from learning the lesson planned for the day, ignore what the student is doing. At this point, you only need to intervene if the student is preventing others from learning or the teacher from teaching.

Using this 5 step strategy means the teacher is not being controlled by the student’s behavior. The teacher is being authoritative and not being either a doormat or aggressive.

There is a time and a place for using I statements. They are very useful when two people have a working or personal relationship that both want to keep positive. They do not work especially well with that student who is chronically defiant or oppositional.

OMG! I Yelled at THAT Student!

Let’s face it. We are all human, and being human means we lose our temper sometimes. Everyone gets angry. Honest. We all do.

All teachers get angry. Is yelling sending the message you want?

Yelling is one way we humans cope with anger. It can be a way of telling others that we are angry. If our goal is to communicate that we are angry, it works pretty well. However, if our goal is to change THAT student’s behavior, it is not the most effective route.

I’ve interviewed many students over the years, at the elementary, middle, high school, and college levels. They have increasingly told me that a teacher who would yell became fair game to them. It became a game to see if they could make the teacher lose his/her temper and yell. I find that appalling and scary that more and more students find out of control behavior funny and desirable, and I could speculate for pages on end about why that has happened. However, the purpose of pointing it out here is to show that yelling may actually play into THAT student’s hands.

Many challenging students do not have a role model for what to do when angry other than yelling, screaming, hitting, or destroying things. These behaviors cause many children to become anxious, and researchers have begun to classify growing up in a chaotic household as trauma.. The yelling may, to them, signal that something scary is going to happen. They may respond by acting like nothing bothers them, or they may act out or they may withdraw. All of these can be signs that the child has experienced this sort of trauma. And when a child has experienced trauma, they are more likely to not respond well to yelling, and they are honestly not able to make changes in their behavior. Childhood trauma actually rewires the brain, and not in a good way. (We’ll talk more about the effects of trauma in another post.)

Consider apologizing. Now back in the dark ages when I was training to be a teacher, we were told to never apologize. We were told that it would make us look weak. I’m calling BS on that. Apologizing demonstrates what a mature person does when they lose control. THAT student probably NEEDS to see that people can say “sorry” and that it is not the end of the world.

We can be role models for other kinds of behaviors when a person is angry.

We may need to repeat the mantra, “I am the grown up. I am the grown up. I am the grown up.” many, many times to avoid losing our temper and showing an alternative to yelling.

We may need to perfect our use of “the Look” – you know, the teacher look – in a way that says, “do not do that.”

We may need to train ourselves to speak in a much lower, quieter voice when we are angry. I’ve found that students (and children and grand-children) really come to attention when I start speaking very softly and slowly while giving the Look. One granddaughter witnessed me doing that with a car repair person. Later she asked, “I wonder if he knew how close he was to dying?”

Consider what would go on inside THAT student’s head if you lowered your voice and said, “I’m too angry to talk to you about this right now. I will talk to you right at the beginning of recess.” (Or before lunch, or at the end of the class period, etc.) What would THAT student be thinking? His/her anticipation of what will happen is often communicates more than yelling at him/her would.

I taught fifth graders to leave me alone if I was “on vacation.” That is, I would put a post card of a tropical beach up on my desk. I’d written “on vacation, back in . . .” on it. I also had a timer that I would set. So my “vacation” might be 5 minutes or no more than 10 minutes. I would use the time to get that homework ready for that sick student, or to file some paperwork, or to check email. All the time I was doing that, I was taking deep breaths and thinking calming thoughts.

And speaking of interruptions, don’t they drive you crazy? They do me! And when I’m being driven crazy, I tend to get angry.

So the next thing to consider is “what are the things that happen in the classroom that make me angry” and then think of ways to avoid having those things happen.

I hate interruptions. I’m not talking about the student who blurts something out. I’m talking about things like when I’m working with this small group, and a constant stream of students suddenly have to ask, “Can I use the bathroom?”, “Can I get a drink?”, “Can get a pencil out of my back pack?” You know what I mean.

I taught the students to write their questions on little white boards in a what that could be answered yes, or no. If I was working with a small group, they could write on the white board, and walk to a place where they could hold it up and I could see it. I could then nod my head yes, or shake my head no. I found this really helped me avoid getting angry about interruptions.

What things in the classroom tend to make you angry? Make a list. Now think about how you could structure things to help prevent those things happening. Can you create a procedure? (Remember, any procedure must be taught, practiced, and reinforced.)

Above all, think about this: behavior of any kind is a sort of communication. When babies “act out” we recognize that they are telling us that they are hungry or wet or tired or need cuddling. We tend to forget that children, adolescents, and even adults do things to communicate needs. Consider what THAT student’s behavior is telling you. Sometimes if we treat situations as a puzzle or a mystery to be solved, we are less likely to be angry about it and more likely to treat it as data.

We’ve known for a long, long time that the most effective thing to do when trying to change student behavior is to notice and recognize the positive things a student does. Positive recognition helps the student know what it is s/he should do again. If we only tell kids what they’ve done wrong, they never learn what they should do instead.

Now, I do not mean giving students tangible rewards. Giving kids candy, or stickers, or a trip to the treasure box does not change behavior for the better in the long run. Instead studies show that it actually decreases student engagement in whatever the task is. Other studies have shown that giving tangible rewards for anything beyond rote memorization actually decreases productivity. (I highly recommend Daniel Pink’s TED Talk on the subject. You can see a YouTube video of it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc )

What are the consequences of teaching students to do something only if they get a reward for it?

In addition, it is good to think about the underlying message we send when we reward behaviors or academics with tangible rewards. Are we saying that this is only worth doing if we get something for it? Are we saying that the good feeling we get when we succeed at something is not enough?

Tangible rewards can be useful with some students who have challenging behavior. However, that practice comes with some limitations.

First, the goal of using tangible rewards to change behavior is to make that behavior go away, or to replace it with a different behavior. To do that, we have to wean the student off the tangible rewards because eventually we want the student to do X without the reward.

Second, the reward must mean something to the student. If I don’t particularly like chocolate, giving me a mini candy bar for X isn’t going to mean a lot to me. (Yes, there are people who do not like chocolate. I’m one who can take it or leave it.)

Third, the reward has to be something attainable. I’ve seen too many children who have been set up to fail because of this. For example, Cody’s* parents promised him that if he did not have any trips to the principal’s office for the whole 9 weeks, they would buy him a bicycle. Cody wound up being sent to the principal’s office during the first week. Cody usually was in the principal’s office 3 or 4 times a week, so being sent only once during a week was actually a real improvement. It showed he was really trying to make a change. But it also meant he wasn’t going to get that bike. As a result, Cody now had nothing to lose and his behavior actually got worse.

*Names are changed for confidentiality purposes.

Fourth, many students with challenging behavior respond to rewards only if they are given by someone the student believes likes him/her, and who has a relationship with him/her. If THAT student perceives the teacher as his/her enemy, all the candy bars in the world won’t change his/her behavior. It is true, however, that some many change their behavior just enough to get the reward, but often it is done with a heavy dose of the attitude that says, “I’m just doing this to get that thing, I still hate you and I am still going to make trouble.”

And, finally, I’ve noticed that students who receive a lot of tangible rewards develop what I call the “what’ll ya gimme” syndrome. That is, they do not do things just because it is the right thing to do. They will only do things after asking, “What’ll ya gimme?” For example, I had a group of fifth graders lined up to come into the building. A bit of trash blew along the line and I, “Please someone pick up that trash and throw it in the bin on the way in.” Every student watched the trash roll past them. One finally said, “What’ll ya gimme if I do it?” I looked at him, blinked, and said, “A nice big smile and a thank you.” He let the trash lay there, and I began reflecting on what rewards were doing to children.

So if yelling doesn’t work, and rewards tend to backfire, what can a teacher do about THAT student?

I read a blog somewhere where the teacher said she would greet THAT student at the door in the morning and say, “I’m planning to make a call to your mom today to tell her the good things you are doing. Make sure you are doing something today that I can tell her about!” How ingenious! It puts THAT student on notice to do good things and it makes the teacher notice them. It is a win-win.

Think about how to offer a student encouragement when you notice s/he is trying to make changes or when s/he takes a baby step in the direction you want him/her to go. (In another post I talked about the formula to use for praise or encouragement.) Remember, THAT student can’t do whatever that positive thing is again if s/he doesn’t know what it is. Think of encouragement as a way of getting students to replicate positive behavior.

If you are thinking, “Easier said than done,” you are likely right. But also think about this: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is ineffective as well. Maybe it is time to try something new.